You would think after sharing 3½ decades with the other sex, I would understand them somewhat. Well, I have some idea – they are people, after all – but a true, deep, infallible understanding is still a long way off.
Figure 1: A sexist diagram, but there’s nuffing wrong wiv being sexy
All I have managed to teach myself are a few empirical rules that get me through most situations relatively intact. And here, in an attempt to stoke international feminist anger and create cheap controversy, they are:
1) Buy them flowers. Simple and always effective. The only time this does not work is when you are trying to mask something bad you have done. Note – guilt flowers do not work, and will make it worse.
2) Always do what they are waiting for you to do. I used to think this was “being too obvious” but no, it isn’t. If your woman complains that you never announce your love for her, then do it within the next 10 minutes. If she mentions that you never get her flowers, then get them the next time you step outside the door. Believe me, being obvious is a good deal better than being wrong.
3) Compliment them to a ridiculous level. This goes for both sexes , but women are especially happy to soak up compliments. Note: stretching the truth a little here is acceptable, but if you find yourself lying to your woman every single time you compliment her, then you have yourself a problem. Solution: get a new woman, or let her get a new guy.
4) Breakfast in bed. Oh yes, a timeless classic. Arriving at 8:30 on a Sunday with a tray containing toast, an egg, a cup of tea and a newspaper will make you Prince Charming for a whole week.
5) Clean the fucking flat. I do not mean to suggest that all men are slobs and that woman are always clean, but scientific research has shown that, in general, woman have a lower complexity threshold than men (I DID have a link here, but I lost it…) and therefore get more affected by untidiness (not all, but on average). So whip out the mop, clean out the cat box and do the washing, you know it’s your turn anyway.
6) Do unexpected stuff. I do not mean that you should suddenly leap out from behind a door with a pair of tights on your head, I mean NICE unexpected stuff: a sudden dinner, an unexpected massage, or a weekend trip somewhere.
7) Remember dates. Oh very important, this one, and these days, with the average man carrying around more computer power that the Apollo program, there is no excuse at all. Think google calendar, think outlook, think ICQ, think a piece of paper pinned to your desk at work, just THINK. Dates are important, and not just for your loved one, so work it out!
And finally, a note to all men – the ladies fall in love with us for our charm and rough edges, but they will only keep us when we show that we can take a certain degree of training. Remember, a good woman will change you, but it’s almost always for the better.