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How to understand women

20 Mar

You would think after sharing 3½ decades with the other sex, I would understand them somewhat. Well, I have some idea – they are people, after all – but a true, deep, infallible understanding is still a long way off.

Figure 1: A sexist diagram, but there’s nuffing wrong wiv being sexy

All I have managed to teach myself are a few empirical rules that get me through most situations relatively intact. And here, in an attempt to stoke international feminist anger and create cheap controversy, they are:

1) Buy them flowers. Simple and always effective. The only time this does not work is when you are trying to mask something bad you have done. Note – guilt flowers do not work, and will make it worse.

2) Always do what they are waiting for you to do. I used to think this was “being too obvious” but no, it isn’t. If your woman complains that you never announce your love for her, then do it within the next 10 minutes. If she mentions that you never get her flowers, then get them the next time you step outside the door. Believe me, being obvious is a good deal better than being wrong.

3) Compliment them to a ridiculous level. This goes for both sexes , but women are especially happy to soak up compliments. Note: stretching the truth a little here is acceptable, but if you find yourself lying to your woman every single time you compliment her, then you have yourself a problem. Solution: get a new woman, or let her get a new guy.

4) Breakfast in bed. Oh yes, a timeless classic. Arriving at 8:30 on a Sunday with a tray containing toast, an egg, a cup of tea and a newspaper will make you Prince Charming for a whole week.

5) Clean the fucking flat. I do not mean to suggest that all men are slobs and that woman are always clean, but scientific research has shown that, in general, woman have a lower complexity threshold than men (I DID have a link here, but I lost it…) and therefore get more affected by untidiness (not all, but on average). So whip out the mop, clean out the cat box and do the washing, you know it’s your turn anyway.

6) Do unexpected stuff. I do not mean that you should suddenly leap out from behind a door with a pair of tights on your head, I mean NICE unexpected stuff: a sudden dinner, an unexpected massage, or a weekend trip somewhere.

7) Remember dates. Oh very important, this one, and these days, with the average man carrying around more computer power that the Apollo program, there is no excuse at all. Think google calendar, think outlook, think ICQ, think a piece of paper pinned to your desk at work, just THINK. Dates are important, and not just for your loved one, so work it out!

And finally, a note to all men – the ladies fall in love with us for our charm and rough edges, but they will only keep us when we show that we can take a certain degree of training. Remember, a good woman will change you, but it’s almost always for the better.

/ paddy

 
44 Comments

Posted by on March 20, 2007 in Uncategorized

 

44 responses to “How to understand women

  1. 'Mad' Vince (The Prince) McClaverty

    March 21, 2007 at 2:13 pm

    Some good advice there. But what about when compliments go wrong? Like, you compliment some lovely lady and the next thing you know you’ve inadvertantly volunteered to start a journal club. And you hope people won’t remember but you sent that group email and boasted at length to anyone who’d listen that it will be the best journal club ever. and all this is is another example of you overreaching and under writing and no matter how many times you look up disingenuous you can never remember what it means. what about that?
    By the way, I like the idea of you leaping out from behind a door with a pair of tights on your head. I don’t know what you look like, but i can picture it easily.

     
  2. earthpal

    March 21, 2007 at 3:51 pm

    Great post Paddy! Made me smile.

    I don’t think the two sexes will ever fully understand each other. And there’s nothing wrong with that if we can accept it rather that try to solve it.

    Us ladies do like to be gently teased by the guys. We pretend to be indignant or in a huff about it, but really, we love it.

    And yeah, fair do’s with the house chores etc. if both partners work. And women should give men little unexpected treats too.

     
  3. Martin Rundkvist

    March 23, 2007 at 5:53 pm

    Both the women I’ve been married to are artists at heart, that is, they generate clutter instantly and are quite unable to clean it up themselves. I work quite the opposite way. So I have come up with the following solution: one pile for her clothes, one pile for her paperwork. That way, when she can’t find her stuff, she knows where I’ve put it.

     
  4. Hedokatt

    March 23, 2007 at 7:55 pm

    Flowers are overrated, bring chocolate insted :)

     
  5. charlotteotter

    March 25, 2007 at 4:07 pm

    Yay to all points. I especially loved point number 2: being obvious is so much better than being wrong. I like a bit of obvious. It shows you’ve been listening …

     
  6. Aphra Behn

    April 1, 2007 at 2:30 am

    All of the above work for me every single time.

    One lover told me that presents for women should be irregular, inexpensive but well-considered, and that works too.

    I’m interested in the concept of a complexity threshold. I refuse to live with my current main squeeze because – whatever his manifold advantages – if he lived with me he would end up 6 foot under and I would end up with 20 years. On the other hand I had a flatmate who I drove mad with messiness myself. Interesting stuff. Shame about the link.

    Aphra.

     
  7. Alina

    June 6, 2007 at 4:52 pm

    If my man woke me up at 8.30 on sunday morning there would be HELL to pay!!! :p

     
  8. paddyK

    June 6, 2007 at 7:55 pm

    Alina: I’m guessing you don’t have any kids…

     
  9. Alina

    June 6, 2007 at 9:21 pm

    You guess correctly… But I do have one extremely annoying cat who gets hungry and bored in the morning. That’s really fun too *roll eyes*

     
  10. karen

    September 25, 2007 at 6:06 am

    Paddy, this quote is awesome:

    “5) Clean the fucking flat. I do not mean to suggest that all men are slobs and that woman are always clean, but scientific research has shown that, in general, woman have a lower complexity threshold than men (I DID have a link here, but I lost it…) and therefore get more affected by untidiness (not all, but on average). So whip out the mop, clean out the cat box and do the washing, you know it’s your turn anyway.”

    Please please please tell me where this if from?
    I know you’ve lost the link, but any ideas where I could find this info about the “lower complexity threshhold”

    Karen

     
  11. paddyK

    September 25, 2007 at 9:09 am

    Karen: I read it in a newspaper one day, but forget which one. And I tried to find it on the net but couldn’t. It’s possible that it is NOT “complexity threshold” but some related phrase. If I find the link again I will post it here. Or maybe I just dreamed the whole thing…

     
  12. Whatever-ishere

    November 21, 2007 at 7:02 pm

    thanks for the GREAT post! Very useful…

     
  13. Amnotamarysue!!

    December 26, 2007 at 6:48 pm

    THE thing you guys/men sometimes don’t understand about us girls/women is,
    Don’t try to be nice and do stuff like giving flowers, breakfast in bed, unexpected dinner,…
    If it is only because you are thinking about some ” opportunity ” right after that…if you do that while dreaming about “physical stuff” later on, it won’t work cuz most girls/women sense it when there is something behind…

    i’m sayin that because in point 4 and 6 it seems like ur talking about doing romantic stuff is the key to women body…

     
  14. paddyK

    December 26, 2007 at 8:24 pm

    Amnotamarysue: You think I need flowers and breakfast to shag a girl? Pah! I am talking about how to be a bit romantic, with no strings attached. I just wish somebody would buy ME flowers…

     
  15. marshal

    January 18, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    man wat a great peace of work u got out there, to who ever going to read this, i need ur help, i talk to females but its hard for me to ask them out is that natural for a man or for every man? or is it that i got of a relationship that i ve been for 3 nd half years get back at me any one who can help me at <shoot687@hotmail.com
    thank you or in german danke

     
  16. Vendetta

    February 13, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    It’s true, the bets way to show a women you love her, is to give her exactly what she wants, but with a good amount of delay, that always differs. And with the stuff of women being obvious: Yeah they are from time to time, they don’t really know how else to make us men understand what they want, so they do it the direct way. One should be thankfull for it, and use the delay rule there, give her what she wants but not right at the moment she wants it :)

     
  17. Guy1

    May 19, 2008 at 2:23 am

    Written by a woman right? You men grow some balls, women don’t like getting there ass kissed, unless she’s fat.

     
  18. paddyK

    May 19, 2008 at 9:31 am

    Guy1: Written by an idiot, right? Or prove me wrong.

     
  19. Pingback: understand women
  20. Lost

    June 3, 2008 at 11:15 am

    Once a woman dun love u anymore, they do anything to hurt u, they dun even care for your feeling rite?

     
  21. Soontobemarried

    June 8, 2008 at 2:05 am

    I asked a woman, did she want apples or oranges for breakfast. Her reply was that she wanted me to turn the apples into an orange.
    After hearing that statement, I understood that women want men to do the impossible.

     
  22. FirstAnniversaryGuy

    June 26, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    Great Tips! I’ve been married almost a year now, but my wife and I have been together for almost nine years. One tip to add… Remember that actually knowing a woman’s preference ALWAYS outweighs internet tips. Common sense. For Example… breakfast in bed, not a good idea for us. My wife doesn’t care to eat within an hour or two of waking up. Like I said, common sense. Also, in response to tip 2: I’ve often tried to “be obvious” and do what she wants at my soonest opportunity, but am often met with a curt “You’re just doing it because I told you to. Why can’t you do these things without having to be prompted?” Any tips for that one???

    But overall these are all great tips! I can vouch that indeed, guilt presents will always make things worse. I’m glad I found this post today. Not just to leave a comment, but since I have the day off and my wife is at work, I think I’ll go “clean the fucking flat”. Thanks again!

     
  23. trisyoungin

    July 29, 2008 at 11:55 pm

    yeah im guna try all these thing and i bet i will end up at another “how to understand women website in about 3 days”…wish me luck..

     
  24. Lindsay

    December 3, 2008 at 4:54 pm

    Great advice every guy should read, because even though you guys probably think you have the most complicated girlfriend/wife ever, every woman goes thru the same emotions. I agree different things work for different women and that again is why you have to PAY ATTENTION and know what your woman wants. We pay complete attention to you and do things for you without you having to ask so why not do the same for us. I can’t say this enough either…IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MATTER THE MOST TO US. Where with my boyfriend I would be the best girlfriend ever if I came home with the most expensive set of golf clubs, for me (the woman) he would be the best boyfriend ever if he came home with a handmade card and a flower picked from the side of the road. I don’t care if it was made with construction paper and crayons as long is it was from the heart!!!! Just remember little simple heartfelt things WAY OUTWAY the expensive half way jesters. If you guys haven’t seen the movie fireproof I highly suggest you go see it. It’s an amazing movie that gives you great insight on not only how women think but how men think as well….

     
  25. Lindsay

    December 3, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    One more thing…as far as what FirstAnniversaryGuy says:
    Also, in response to tip 2: I’ve often tried to “be obvious” and do what she wants at my soonest opportunity, but am often met with a curt “You’re just doing it because I told you to. Why can’t you do these things without having to be prompted?” Any tips for that one???

    My tip: Do it anyway but change it up. If she says you don’t tell me you love me enough say your sorry and do it right then but put your spin on it. LOOK HER IN HER EYES HOLD HER AND Say “I’m sorry baby, you know I love you more then anything,” AND MEAN IT. If we can feel that you truly mean then that will be enough for us and you won’t hear “your just doing it because I told you to” But if you halfway do it, if you just mumble I love you or make a joke out of it, it’s just going to piss us off because we are going to feel like your not taking our wants and needs seriously. Remember we do a lot for you because we love you and we want to make you happy and we just want the same in return. The best relationship is a 50/50 relationship. Where the man and woman both give as much as the other. It’s not going to work if one is giving 90 and the other is giving 10….

     
  26. Tennessee

    December 10, 2008 at 10:50 am

    would any of this work the same if your wife is the bread winner of the family…..

     
  27. Judel Morrforus Foir

    January 25, 2009 at 2:49 am

    I’ll keep this all in mind. Funny pic btw.

     
  28. eriador75

    February 18, 2009 at 4:22 am

    I’ve actually just started a blog about understanding women. It started as a book idea, but I don’t think it will ever actually be “done” so I figured I’d blog it instead. Check it out at http://www.phbguide.com

     
  29. mike

    March 2, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    nice try on your ‘tips’ and they are certainly good for a chuckle. but i have been married many years and to me, tips or ‘strategies’ for dealing with the other sex do not suggest marital longevity or happiness. i have put my money on such as caring, communicating, helping, cooperating, and compromising. they work for me.

     
  30. paddyK

    March 2, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    mike: You’re dead right. Ignore my babbling, I don’t know what the hell I’m on about. I was just after the hits.

     
  31. Anonymous

    April 19, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    I WISH MY PARTNER WOULD LISTEN TO THIS STUFF, HE CLAIMS TO KNOW IT ALL BUT WITHDRAWS WHEN MAKE REQUESTS OR COMPLAINTS

     
  32. dee

    April 21, 2009 at 8:27 am

    ope it helps

     
  33. Geneva

    June 3, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    paddyK: ignore Mike’s babbling, his wife is probably miserable. We women need for men to read posts like this. And you did very well. The breakfast in bed needs to be modified — “do something she really likes, e.g. breakfast…” (I hate b-in-b).

    Thank you.

     
  34. paddyK

    June 4, 2009 at 8:55 am

    Geneva: No no no, I think you’re wrong, EVERYBODY likes breakfast in bed!!! I’m sure of it!

     
  35. Confused

    June 20, 2009 at 7:48 am

    Great info, im a good listener and i always do the things she says i dnt do. I even become creative bt afterwards she doesnt even appreciate that, she would lough with her friends bt as soon as she sees me at our meeting point she will look very sorry & lyk she is abt to cry. As for telin me she loves me, thats nt on her vocabulary bt when i also do not tell her i love her she will say i dnt love her anymore. As 4 talking, there r a lots of things i cannot talk abt with her and her sense of humour sucks big time…How can i understand her and is there a cure 4 this coz i really want to b with her.

     
  36. still looking for the right one

    June 29, 2009 at 12:18 am

    Forget the chocolates and the flowers(well maybe only on special occassions and holidays). Just give her compliments, women love it when a man notices things about her. It doesn’t matter if it ‘s big or small. They like to know that you are paying attention to them.

     
  37. chris

    July 17, 2009 at 1:18 am

    you know what ive done all of those things u have suggested and none of them work she now hates flowers shes consided and she hardly talks to me i was engaged for two years and as of march 2009 we broke up we are trying to fix things but it doesnt look like its working out what now ?

     
  38. Cruise

    July 31, 2009 at 2:27 am

    I wish I could believe this could actually work. The first two things I tried were perceived as if I had done something guilty. Currently 0/2. I think I will only get one more shot at this.

     
  39. hi

    August 22, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    well most of it is true,, but believe me dont compliment them too much, they will get sick of you being so nice to them and then it will fire back.
    give them a compliment once in a while. like when u know she’s trying to impress you with something and she’s really trying hard, acknowledge her she will get a great feeling about that she is nice and sweet in the mans mind and will be happy.
    and being obvious isnt good nor bad its normal. but if you want to be abnormal u have to be obious in the beginning and then afterwards become unpredictable. she will be suprised and will even think higher of you.
    AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS:RESPECT!SHOW WOMEN RESPECT. DONT ACT CHILDISH(ONCE IN A WHILE ITS OK TO ACT CHILDISH TO SHOW UR NOT A GRUMPY OLD MAN) ADN THERE WAS ANOTHER THING IN MY MIND JUST YET BUT I FORGOT AND ANOTHER THING DURING U KNOW WHAT BITE THEM IN THE ASS SOUNDS WEIRD BUT BELIEVE ME ULL BE SUPRISED^^
    SORRY FOR MY BAD ENGLISH IM OFF WATCHIN SWARMED AND KISS OF A DRAGON AT THE SAME TIME
    CYA PIES AND LOVE

     
  40. sandrar

    September 10, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.

     
  41. matt

    January 30, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    I find that when arguing with my (wonderful) fiance,i never say the right things and alot of the time she flips it around on me. i just want to say the right things to her and. i get chocked up and dont say anything at all and she gets super mad about that.. some help here would be very helpful. becouse i love her and dont want to lose her.. thanks,matt……….

     
    • paddyK

      February 1, 2010 at 8:14 am

      Help? What help? I’m not an advice columnist, I’m a bloody blog, or haven’t you read and/or noticed that? And a spell-checker wouldn’t hurt either.

       
  42. easy d

    February 4, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    good blog straight foward nice

     
 
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