RSS

Totally Not Gay

09 Oct

Advertisers (may the good Lord have mercy on them) are skilled at creating need where no need exists, and will spin the most incredible lies to make it happen. I’m particularly interested in how they pretend to “break taboos” to make new markets for their shiny bullshit trinkets. Like, oh let’s say, cosmetics aimed at men.

Razors and shaving gels are basically cosmetics and are sold in a very specific way. Which is the following. Show a rugged NOT GAY man in his clean and shiny AND NOT GAY bathroom. He’ll be shaving and – NOT GAY! – moisturizing and occasionally slapping himself in the face in a very NOT GAY manner. Probably while thinking of fighter planes or racing cars or horses – NO, NOT HORSES! GAY! – sorry, sailing ships, all while wearing a self-satisfied grin. Maybe some teeth will be broken. You know, from all that manly fighting.

And then – and here’s the crucial part – a hot chick will appear in time to smile and kiss him and rub a very definitely feminine hand across his clean manly jaw. This scene is vital just to dispel the final shreds of doubt about this guy POSSIBLY BEING GAY. And then maybe an explosion, just for good measure. A good orange and red and pi – NOT PINK! – explosion. Yeah. Yeah! Fuck it YEAH!

But now these ads have been vastly out-manned by the manly, masculine, macho, straight and quite definitely hard ad for this new product – nail varnish for men. Here’s the ad. It pretty much speaks for itself. Drop your jaw now, it’s easier that way.

(If the link’s broken, just do a search for Alpha Nail. Yes, you heard me. Alpha fucking Nail.)

What an utter and total cock. He’s NOT GAY though, as shown by, oh, pretty much everything in that ad. Now I’ve been dabbling with using nail varnish for years, for special occasions. I quite like it. I know other men who do too. And we don’t require a 5o-megaton high-octane flesh-neck-screaming moron to get us to do it.

I hope this product fails. Because buying a ballsy for-men product isn’t “hard” or “manly”. You know what’s ballsy? Walking into a shop and buying “ladies” nail varnish just because you want to. And putting it on, just because you want to. And ignoring what rugged insecure nitwits on TV are telling you about how and in what way you should “be a man”.

And hey, why not finish off with this, which sums up marvelously how ads aimed at men and women are different.

/ paddy (as gay as the next man)

 
10 Comments

Posted by on October 9, 2012 in Media

 

Tags: , , , ,

10 responses to “Totally Not Gay

  1. Miss Kitten

    October 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    My goodness, what an overinflated douchebag in the first video. A nail polish pen is nothing new, though. They’re for little girls and other nail polish noobs who aren’t used to using a brush. It does look more macho than delicately holding a nail polish brush between one’s thumb and index finger with pinky extended.

     
    • paddyK

      October 10, 2012 at 3:07 pm

      Basically, the more it looks like a knife, or even a cock, the better.

       
      • Miss Kitten

        October 10, 2012 at 4:48 pm

        Agreed. Also, I should point out that gold is possibly the gayest color of nail polish ever, although he’s too Jersey Shores to be gay. Other than the gold nail polish, of course… #notthattheresanythingwrongwithbeinggay

        (Forgot to add, it is I Gwen. Not sure if you knew it was me or not.)

         
  2. vlcraven

    October 23, 2012 at 1:32 am

    Holy shit. That’s just… Wow. I’ve never seen a nail polish pen, though. Perhaps I wouldn’t wind up with varnish everywhere if I used one.

    And that Mitchell and Webb bit fucking cracks me up every time.

     
    • paddyK

      October 23, 2012 at 1:05 pm

      Varnish everywhere? Like on the floor and the lamps and all?

       
      • V.L. Craven

        October 24, 2012 at 1:15 am

        Yes. It’s not pretty, man. (Have I been here since I changed my name? I used to be Victoria Glancy.)

         
      • paddyK

        October 24, 2012 at 3:29 pm

        Oh I know who you are, Ms. Craven … Good to have you back!

         
  3. Catherine Pettersson

    February 22, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Hey Paddy: Close call. I totally thought the Alpha Nail guy was gay until that porn star-cum-manicurist arrived on the scene.

     
    • paddyK

      February 24, 2013 at 3:51 pm

      All that’s missing in that ad was a monster truck he could sit in. And a bazooka.

       

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 88 other followers

%d bloggers like this: