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Category Archives: Idiots

The Chairs At The End Of The Universe

I have, for a week now, being trying to sell some chairs.

I bought these chairs in a second-hand shop a couple of years back. They’re nice and antique-looking, but I always thought they were too soft. So, with an apartment move coming up soon, I decided to get rid of them and placed an ad. Can’t be so difficult, I thought. I’ll just make them cheap, I thought. Some nice person will take them, I thought.

Well. No. Getting rid of four nice chairs for the paltry sum of 25 euros isn’t as easy as it might sound. I put the ad in last Saturday and the madness began immediately.

I had about 6 people contact me. Person 1 and 2 were interested, but not really THAT interested. Person 2 sounded most interested. She asked me if the chairs were in bad shape and needed to be fixed up. I said no. All was well until she revealed that she wanted me to drop them to her in my car. I don’t have a car, I said. I suggested she take a taxi. She said she’d get back to me.

Then person 4 expressed real interest. However, we couldn’t decide a day and time for her to come by and see them. Monday afternoon, she said. I work, I said. Okay then, Tuesday  afternoon. I work, I repeated. Okay, how about another afternoon? I WORK, I pointed out. I have a JOB to go to, which I may not leave until sufficient work had been done. Oh, she said. My brother is coming to get them with me. And he works nights.

Eventually we settled on Wednesday morning, as I’d anyway be home waiting for an official of my landlord to come by, which might happen at any time between 9.15 and 11.45. (More about that in a future post.) At 9:00 Wednesday morning I texted her to ask what time she’d arrive. No reply. At 10:00 I texted again, to say I was leaving shortly. No reply. I went to work and sent her a text calling her a lazy selfish idiot.

No reply.

Person 2 returned from the dead on Thursday and asked me again if the chairs needed to be fixed up. I said no, and anyway it’s all in the ad. Plus photos. She went away.

Next person, number 5, showed interest and wanted to come on Sunday. She suggested three. I said no. I suggested noon. She couldn’t come then. She was going to the gym. I suggested the evening. She didn’t reply. I mailed her twice on Saturday. She didn’t reply.

On Saturday person 2 texted me again. She asked if the chairs were still available. I said yes. She asked me where they were, information which is in my ad. I told her. I asked her if was really interested. She didn’t reply until four hours later, when she said: “Sorry, but I don’t remember what you had … hahaha”.

“Chairs,” I said. “You texted me four hours ago. Do you want them?”

No word until nine this morning. Her reply? “Do the chairs need to be fixed up…?”

At this point I told her I can’t fucking be arsed for 25 Euro if she can’t fucking remember anything I tell her. I’ll just throw them out. Goodbye.

To summarise: What the fuck is wrong with people? Can’t they decide what they want? Can’t they keep a promise? Can’t they show up when they are supposed to and, if not, let me know so I don’t wait for them? What the fuck is this, a sitcom?

I’ve learned my lessons though. In the future, if I sell chairs (or anything) online, I’ll ask for a lot more money. And filter out some of the crazies immediately.

Or just skip it all and set them free in the woods.

/ paddy

 
4 Comments

Posted by on July 1, 2012 in Idiots, Life

 

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Stuff / Soul

I’ve spent the evening going through the accumulated geological layers of crap in my basement, sorting it into stuff that I need, and stuff I can give or throw away. I am doing this because I am going to leave this area, and move on. I’ll be taking a smaller flat, much cheaper, and right beside a massive forest. In fact, the view from my new balcony will be – forest. No SUVs, no interchangeable blonde couples jogging around, no tossers parking on the bike lane. Just fucking forest.

This neighbourhood has been fine, for the three years I’ve been here. It’s by the water, and modern in a good way, and close to town and forest, plus the people I know in my building are lovely. Except for one thing. It’s too bloody rich. Upper-middle class rich. Soulless people wandering the clean streets like confused zombies with too much cash and no idea what to do with their pampered, self-obsessed lives.

The people living here have too much money, and they just spend it all on shit. Total and utter shit. Like fancier cars. Or new furniture. Or uglier bigger televisions. Or new fucking kitchens.

What’s the deal with kitchens anyway? Why, suddenly, does every moneyed moron have a burning desire to change their kitchen? What the fuck’s wrong with the old one? Is it broken? Does the toaster smell funny? Or is the wall the wrong fucking shade of egg-shell white?

I know the answer. They’ve seen it in some interior design magazine and decided it’s “for them”, the fucking mindless sheep.

Anyway, back to the present rant. The fact that my neighbours have too much money can easily be seen in the “recycling room”. This is where they offload their excess consumables, things that won’t fit in their cavernous basements. And, my God, you should see the stuff they throw away.

Sacks full of designer clothes. Brand new shoes. Electronics. Mobile telephones. Furniture. A few months back, I saw a stodgy pair offload about twenty banana boxes full of nice crystal, and old books, and toys from the 1950s. You could tell it was the contents of an older relative’s house. Their whole life, basically, dumped in a rubbish pile by two unimaginative twits with more money than life-force.

There are charity shops that take this stuff. Lots of them. But my brain-dead neighbours clearly can’t be arsed. Fuck the poor, let them get their own ugly designer shoes and fucking denim shorts.

Today I found a big “fat” television. I actually need a television for my Eurovision party next week, so I took it. It works perfectly. Of course. When I’m done, I’ll put it back. Look, here it is:

See too the other photos I’ve stuck to this article. All taken tonight. And this is just an average Sunday.

It’s very clear that people in this country have too much money, and don’t realise it. They have summer houses, boats, cars, foreign holidays, and still whinge that their taxes are too high. And that they don’t have enough time.

Well FUCK you all. You want more time, work less. Learn to get by on less stuff, and find joy in simple things, and you’ll be a lot fucking happier.

They won’t be happy though, will they? They’ll just be boring and have brightly coloured, fancy, loud and ultimately empty lives.

And if you ask me they’ve made their choice and they fucking deserve it.

/ paddy

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 20, 2012 in Idiots, Life, Ranting

 

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The Swedish Democrats

There is a big fuss in Sweden at the moment about the Swedish Democrats. These are a far-right party, peopled and supported mostly by thick people from the country. Well, they are. All the other parties are now in a tizzy about the fact that they might win seats in the parliament and they are falling over each other to say how they will not, on any account, work with them.

Sigh. Let me just point something out here. This is a democracy, and central to a democracy is allowing people the right to speak even when you don’t agree with them. ESPECIALLY when you don’t agree with them. Tell this to the upper middle-class leftish louts who regularly turn up when far-right parties speak in public and shout them down. You know what would have a bigger effect, you daft shouty dread-locked irritants? To let them speak. To allow us to see their logic and make up out own minds. I don’t want the information I get to be filtered by bigots (and the far left are clearly bigoted in their own way). I want to make my own mind up.

As an example I think another party, the Christian Democrats, should be removed from politics since their ranks are awash with homophobes and deluded people. But I understand that they won’t, because many people like to vote for them, so fair enough. Any political party with the support of people should have the same rights as any other political party, as long as what they say isn’t illegal. So get fucking used to it. Again, democracy, remember?

So if you want idiots to show that they are idiots, you let them talk and you ask them questions. Here is a perfect example of that. A far-right dude from the country (previously, and clearly currently, a neo-Nazi) is interviewed and it turns out that he can’t put two words together without saying “umm” or swallowing his own snot.

Brilliant! And here, to prolong your chuckle, is an excellent tune by the very same guy. This dude is great. He’s a complete brick-head who fears for Christmas eve and Midsummer at the hands of marauding foreigners. And he is also a perfect example of why idiots whould be allowed to speak as much as possible. For entertainment, if nothing else.

Personally I am very much in favour of immigration (duh) but I expect those who immigrate to accept the laws and traditions of the country that accepts them. Isolation, religious law, religious clothing, circumcision – all this bollox should cease. Nothing makes me as happy as seeing middle-eastern women in secular clothing, or happy immigrant families on their way to Skansen. Nothing makes me as angry as seeing women wearing full-body burqas and walking four steps behind their fat men because of some ancient tradition of oppression. Cultural rights my fat arse; civil rights come always first.

What’s the point of leaving a nasty country where you are oppressed in one way and coming to another country where you are oppressed in another? Screw that shit. Sweden needs to break the power of traditonal religious cultures inside its own borders. It should not be afraid to put its foot down and say “Welcome, but please observe the rules”. Go to your Mosque (or your Church), by all means, but that bearded gobshite who runs the place shall NOT have any say in how your life goes.

I am quite openly a culturalist. I do believe that my culture, with its emphasis on openness, fairness, and secularism, is clearly better than many other cultures. And what’s wrong with saying that? Plus anybody can join my culture, regardless of race, sex and colour. Come one, come all, but let the force of law dictate what is right and acceptable, and not some random magic book and a room-full of secretive bearded men.

I mean, look at me, previously a rabid Catholic potato-eater, and now after only 13 years in Sweden I eat pickled fish and pasta, I take my shoes off when I enter a house, and just a few days days ago I bought an IKEA throw-cover for my bed.

Who says miracles can’t happen?

/ paddy

 
18 Comments

Posted by on August 24, 2010 in Idiots, Media, Sweden

 

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Big Bad Burger Bar

I am watching at this very moment (yes, this VERY MOMENT) a Swedish documentary about working conditions in McDonalds.

They show the usual horror stories, in the usual horror-story fashion. How for example “old” food is kept longer than it should, how employees are paid less than they work, and how worker’s rights are regularly stamped upon. An hour is spent, talking to lots of people, with scary music in the background. All to make us angry or upset or something.

Now, any regular readers of mine will suspect where this is going next. Let’s see now, he describes the situation, he builds it up, he piles on the irony… and oh yes, then he starts swearing. So let’s do it!

Come away, O human child! To the waters and the wild. With a faery, hand in hand. For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Excuse me, you complete dicks, what exactly do you expect here? You go to a place that offers really cheap bad-quality food, and you complain that they are cheating you? You pay fuck-all for your carbohydrate stodge but you still expect the staff to be buzzing about behind the counter, on gold-plated Segways, wearing goofy smiles from all the free high-quality coke they disperse for free in the staff bathroom?

McDonalds is cheap. It’s their thing. Do people think that this can be accomplished without exploiting somebody along the way? The workers, the suppliers, the growers? Yes, McDonalds simply desires to serve us with cheap, high-quality food while making the world a happy place, and to hell with the profit margins. Sure they do.

Now go bite the other one, it’s got bells on.

These moaners are like the people who complain about glass in their chicken, or meat-glue in their sausages, while at the same time expecting the slop they buy in their supermarkets to be as cheap as possible. You want cheap food, you got it. Tasty, isn’t it?

Seriously, get a fucking grip people. You pay shit, you get shit. What part of this is so difficult to follow? If you want good food and good workers conditions, then don’t go to Mc fucking Donalds just to moan about it. Go to a real restaurant, or make it your fucking self.

Clever, snappy and ironic summing-up line of some sort. You know the drill.

/ paddy

 
20 Comments

Posted by on June 15, 2010 in Idiots, Media, Ranting

 

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Doing it Wrong

I am never sure if I should be pleased or annoyed when other people spot the same things that I spot. Like, for example, those “doing it wrong” clips on TV shopping ads.

You know the ones I mean. Let’s say they are trying to sell you a new chopping knife and, as an indication of how your life will improve, they show you a hand-cam, black and white clip of some complete fucking moron who can’t do any basic task without getting everything on the floor, up her nose and in her underwear.

These clips usually end with the stressed sweaty women blowing a sprig of hair from her face with a wistful expression. If only life could be better, she thinks. If only I weren’t such an enormous waste of space. If only I had a special salad-chopping machine or a tiny vacuum cleaner or a grill endorsed by a boxer.

These clips are enthralling. They show people who are so utterly hopeless that they should never be allowed to leave their own bedrooms, and then only if their bedrooms have no sharp edges or heavy objects.

And now some genius has made a wonderful compilation of the best ones. So here we have it, the “doing it wrong” compilation. And let me just warn you – the pace is frenetic, the cutting is relentless and the idiocy is completely off the scale.

Makes you want to buy just about everything ever made, doesn’t it? And if you buy it all RIGHT NOW, we will give you a free planet to put it on. So call now, lines are open until the end of time.

/ paddy

 
21 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2010 in Idiots, Media

 

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Curd for Cash

So the Greeks are happy to accept piles of EU cash after running their economy into the ground with dodgy fiscal planning, bad turkish mustaches, too many private loans and uncontrolled public spending.

But they don’t want to cut any wages. No sir, that would never do. As long as the EU is on hand to once again bail out people who can’t control their own spending or borrowing, then why does anybody have to make that kind of effort?

I however have dreamed up a possible compromise. Just give us back the feta cheese.

Fig 1: Cheese that you can eat but then I have to kill you

You may have noticed this in your part of the world too, but since 2002 there is no non-Greek feta cheese. The name “feta” has been granted a protected designation of origin, and only the Greeks may use it.

What was previously known as feta is these days known in Sweden as “medelhavsinspirerad ost” or “Mediterranean-inspired cheese”. Yeah, sure it is. Nice one, the EU muppets. And buying sports cars you can’t really afford will hereby be known as “Mediterranean-inspired pension planning”. Clap clap, another fantastic piece of EU legislation which cost a fortune to create and then required another fortune to be translated into every language, even bloody Gaelic.

Well I think it’s pretty simple. If it tastes, looks and smells like feta, then it’s feta. So put a sock in it Greece. Or do you want us to come over there and demand you stop making pizzas and instead make “Italian Circle Pie”?

So here’s the money. Enjoy. Buy all the ugly houses you want. Now hand over the fucking cheese.

/ paddy

 
24 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2010 in Idiots, Society

 

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Weekend Woo

Well it looks like it’s that time of the year again. The bees are out in force, the birds are attempting to have sex with them, and the new-age mumbazoids are descending upon Stockholm for their annual orgy of crystals, hand-peering and badly out-of-focus magical photography.

Yes it’s the Body and Soul expo, the high point of the year for middle-aged women who believe that they can talk to their cats and that water remembers what they put in it but only if they rough it up a bit first.

The joys awaiting us this year include:

  • Aura photography
  • Crystals
  • Dream analysis
  • Alternative medicine

Oh damn it I can’t go on, learn Swedish if you want to read the rest, it’s just too depressing to list. You know what’s in there anyway – every rubbish half-arsed idea that any idiot has ever dreamed up.

All complete and utter bollox, a fact easily uncovered by even the most mediocre of web searches. This just doesn’t work people. Any of it. I don’t care what your friend’s friend said, or what you want to be true, or how many crystals you’ve just wasted your money on.

It. Just. Doesn’t. Bloody. Work.

At least Catholicism has the fancy outfits and the drama and the whole living forever thing. What does new-age have? Dim ladies manipulating each other’s energy fields, without having the slightest grain of an idea what energy actually means?

Now I am waiting for the nay-sayers among my readership to come up with the usual reply when I bring up stuff like this. “But what’s the harm?” they will bleat.  “If it makes them happy, and it isn’t illegal, then let them do it, the poor dears. It isn’t hurting anybody.”

Bollox to that, I say. First of all, the people organising this are making money from it. The last time I looked, making money from stuff that isn’t true is called fraud, and that sure as hell hurts a good many people.

Second of all, if we allow people to present things that are clearly not true as fact, and leave them unchallenged, then we are laying the groundwork for a very dangerous society. We are in fact opening ourselves wide for the worst abuses of power, whether it be from authority, church, or general nasty ideas.

And why? Because once we start accepting some bullshit, we will accept any bullshit.

We need to treasure reason and proof, and allow nothing – nothing – to slide past that filter. A population of sceptics would be very hard to lead down those murky roads where humans have been led in the past. We have to start here, with bollox like this. Prove it or lose it lady.

Woo on this level is criminal, pure and simple. Unless those people at the Body and Soul expo are giving away their fucking crystals for free, then this is fraud and should be dealt with as such. If one single person is sold something over the weekend in the belief that it will have an actual measurable effect on them, perhaps even cure them of something, then the people doing the selling are criminals as well as idiots.

Finally, has anybody else noticed a similarity between the poster above and a famous series of books? Or is that just me and my twisted little mind..?

/ paddy (still sharp ‘cos he sleeps in a fucking pyramid)

 
24 Comments

Posted by on April 26, 2010 in Idiots, Ranting, Sweden

 

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