Midsummer was celebrated today, a day when the whole of Sweden grinds to a halt and gathers in fields to partake in a series of ancient and slightly baffling rituals.
Midsummer is a special holiday in that it in no way pretends to have anything to do with God, or Jesus rising from the dead or buying his ticket into heaven, or Mary assuming something or other, or getting God’s sperm magically injected into her, or anything like that. No, midsummer was never hijacked by the church, and remains a holiday of the old school, which means 3 things: drink, booze and shagging.
How nice it is to have a guilt-free holiday! In Ireland, practically every holiday is tinged with guilt and religon – and in fact the very word “holiday” in English comes from “Holy Day” – a useful fact for the Swedish readers!
But this day is completely and absolutely pagan – in fact, it is a fertility festival. The act of shagging is celebrated by erecting a large phallus with two testicles hanging from it, under which every body dances themselves into a frenzy.
You think I’m joking, don’t you…? Well, take a look at this then, a fresh pic from today’s tomfoolery:
Like I said – a great big dick with two nice balls hanging from it. And after we have properly paid tribute to the Gods of Dick and Bollox, we then proceed to a more traditional Swedish celebration, consisting of stuffing ourselves with various types of fish and potatoes and drinking snaps until we slide quietly under the table.
Nice to see pagan rituals are still being given the attention they deserve. All I’m waiting for now is when they turn Christmas back into the midwinter festival, and drop all the stuff about babies being born in stables and wise men bringing gold and stuff which is apparently lost at the racetrack because it is never mentioned any more.
More of that old-fashioned pagan yuletide, thank you very much!