Ah, Christians…my favourite people to piss off. The fun about making jokes at the expense of Christians is that they take it so well. They will probably not kidnap you, or slice your head off, or call a holy war against you and your family, like other people of a religious bent might take it in their heads to do.
They may, however, bomb your village/city/country, but that’s only if you are poor enough (or have enough oil) to deserve it; it’s rarely on account of your religion these days.
Anyway, to the point – my current favourite place on the web:
This is a great big steaming pile of extreme Christian belief of the American school, all twisted around a website.
They have a helpful section called “Prayer focus” where you can pray for people in Hollywood so they will see the light of the Lord (I kid you not). Today’s target of prayer is Mel Gibson. Go get him, oh you faithful masses!
They also have a helpful on-line video called “Are you going to heaven?” which allows you calculate your chances of getting to hang out with millions of pious people for the rest of eternity. Sounds like a blast.
And at this jolly little place, Christians can post reviews about movies, books, computer games and the like. This is where things get interesting, as each review has a “morality rating” showing how offended the average Christian should be by the contents.
As an example of the level of thinking on this site, I will list a few movies that got the best morality rating (excellent):
- Animated Stories From The Bible
- God Rocks!
- Whatever Happened to America?
- ORIGINS: How the World Came To Be
Well, you get the idea – a rip-roaring night of good, clean movie entertainment!
And at the other extreme, here come the “extremely offensive”:
- American History X
- The Big Lebowski
- Fight Club
- Bridget Jones’s Diary (!!!)
Boy, am I ever going to hell…
And then onto computer games, and here it gets really bizarre. You see, in the world of computer games, Christians have come up with a new concept – Virtual Sin. Yes indeed, when you shoot your imaginary bazooka at an imaginary dude, you are committing a Virtual Sin.
In the review for Grand Theft Auto 3, there is a bizarre situation where the reviewer admits that the game is good, but that it might destroy his soul and burn his golden passport into heaven. He gives it the following marks, displaying the intense struggle between his brain and his soul:
Christian Rating: 1 of 5 (very offensive)
Gameplay: 4 of 5 (good)
Violence: 1 of 5 (extreme)
Adult Content: 1 of 5 (extreme)
“Unquestionably there is a fine, exciting game lurking underneath all the depravity on top, but it’s a personal decision whether or not committing so many virtual sins is worth the unique gaming excitement only “GTA3” can offer.”
This guy’s mind is obviously turning in two directions at once, and he either needs to throw his PS2 out the window, or else just get on with it, sacrifice his flatmates to Satan, and have a good time.
And to quote one of the many jittery Christians who commented on the GTA3 review:
“I think this is the worst game in history. I’m speaking in Moral terms of course… To go around beating up on innocent people and taking their cars is downright evil. And soliciting prostitutes is bad as well. I can’t believe how any Christian could play this game. It’s full of everything that Christ doesn’t want you to do. Who knows??? Some may even be convinced to try out some of this stuff in “real life”.”
Well maybe Christians have a problem telling fantasy from real life (like in the Bible, for example…) but I suspect the rest of us are smart enough to know that stealing cars, toasting mob members with flame-throwers and running over pedestrians while chuckling in an evil manner will get us into trouble, sin or no sin. I suspect somebody needs to get this guy a brandy, a kinky girlfriend and a big fat spliff.
Interestingly, a web search for “virtual sin” brings up the following page, where the concept is being seriously discussed by high-level Jewish theologians: http://www.cs.wcupa.edu/~epstein/rabbinic.htm
To summarise, as the hour is late and I could go on talking about this shit forever: I agree with Christians, of COURSE people should be good and kind to each other. But if you are good and kind only because you want to save your own fat ass and drag it into heaven, then aren’t you just a bit of a fucking hypocrite, and should maybe go get yourself a fucking life and see some decent movies before you die and go to the one place in the universe where they don’t have a decent video store?