The Stars in your Arse

I do like a nice, big, hard telescope. When you stare out at the universe, you see massive destruction on a scale that would impress even George Bush. Swirling gas and monstrous stars and crushing gravity and voracious black holes and all that—marvellous stuff! In fact, I have 1% of a PHD in astronomy under my belt (consisting of 2 months research back in the 90s, before I discovered girls and grunge music).

When I was in school, I was appalled by how little my contemporaries knew or cared about the universe in which they would spend their entire existence. People looked around and behind and ahead, but never up.

You still read lots about stars and planets in newspapers, but unfortunately most of is the worst kind of putrid new-age bollox—astrology. “A tall dark stranger will enter your Silversmiths and send you on a great and noble quest. Tuesday is a good day for doing the laundry.” And so on. God, it makes me sad—are people really this stupid, this vapid, this pathetic to assume that the entire universe, stars and worlds in numbers too great to imagine or even name, are all there just to make some fucking loser a bit lucky next week?

A note to astrology fanatics: Your fat ass is not the centre of the universe, only two-year olds think that. Nobody can tell the future. I repeat-nobody. If anybody really could then every person and every country in the world would be hiring them, and they’re not. Well, not the sane ones, at least.

And here, for your entertainment, are some real facts about stars and planets that do not involve a person whose first name is “Mystic” or “Amazing”:

  • The sun is a star, only closer
  • We know of over 70 planets around other stars
  • Life on earth may originally have come from space
  • The star Betelgeuse is so large that if it replaced the sun we would be orbiting inside its surface
  • Neutron stars are the densest thing in the universe. A teaspoon-full would weight more than all the people on the planet Earth
  • The sun becomes lighter by over 600 million tons every second as it burns up its fuel, and yet will last for 5 billion years more

Now isn’t this just a TAD more interesting than “A loved one’s encouragement at the start of the day is upbeat and inspiring”? Hmmm? Just a bit?

Note: if you have caused you to acquire a liking for real, actual information and this new method of thinking with your brain—as opposed to your penis, arse or liver—then check out these sites:

People always say that of course Astrology (or homeopathy or astral projection or Tarot cards) does not work for me, as I do not believe in them. Well that’s the nice thing about science and medicine and other things based on fact–they work whether you believe in them or not.

/ paddy


2 thoughts on “The Stars in your Arse

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s