I am the undisputed king of the embarrassing situation.
Example: today, IKEA, M and me. First of all it is a bad mistake to go to IKEA central (the biggest motherfucking IKEA in the world, man!) on a Saturday. And second, you should always check before you go that the wares you require are actually in the warehouse and not just sitting on some guys to-do list in Vietnam or Bangladesh.
Anyway…I was studying the description on a loft-bed that could be converted into a bunk bed. There was a text warning me that “Note: if you want this item to be a bunk bed, then you will need to buy another bed to put on it.” This seemed to me such an incredibly obvious and inane remark that I pulled M over and read her the text in the classic, sarcastic “fake retard” voice. You know the one, where you speak with your tongue sticking out of your mouth, to indicate that a thing is written to be read by very, very stupid people indeed.
I was not actually planning to makes a voice like a retarded kid, but it just sort of came out that way. But then, halfway through my little recital, who happened to walk right behind me but – you guessed it! – a Down’s Syndrome person and his minder. I kid you not. They easily overheard me, and M reported that the guy looked puzzled in my direction as his minder hurried him by.
I stared stupidly after them, by which time it was too late. They were obviously putting me on their bad-person list and would see to it that my soul was doomed for all eternity.
Now, I ask you, what are the odds? How many Special people could be in IKEA today, and how was it that one walked behind me at the exact right time in my fifteen second act? To be honest, I think God is punishing me for my anti-religious comments…like this one…and this one…oh, and this one…
And what’s the lesson to be learned from this? Don’t make fun of any group without first checking very, very carefully that none of them are listening.