I used to do the whole Internet dating thing. Starting in 2002, I regularly trawled the deep-sea depths of the dating underworld, looking for the occasional fish who would not be against touching my willy in an exciting manner, and maybe even living with me eventually.
I started on a site called “Vilda Webben” and poked around there for a while. I discovered quickly that all the people on this site were middle aged – if not in body, then definitely in spirit. It was one of those sites where people have homepages about a metre and a half long, liberally splashed with images of wolves and American Indians and cute dancing bears (just like this lady, but much worse). You know the sort of thing.
I met one girl from this site. We met in a pool hall, where I drank some beer, told some stupid stories and then, surprisingly, took her home.
I suspect that she came home with me because she lived on the other side of the city and couldn’t face the night bus. In fact, I am sure of this because despite sleeping in the same bed as me, she wasn’t at all keen to be poked by any of my long bits in the middle of the night. In fact, nothing happened at all, and while I respect the girl’s decision to sleep in my flat and not get up to hanky-panky, I still think it kind of sucks. Just a bit.
Oh well. Having learned my lesson, I moved on to Spraydate. Now this site was a bit more like it, with people of all ages and backgrounds. Speaking English there made one quite popular, and I quickly came up with a few rules for Internet dating, which I stuck to religiously. And here they are, free of charge for you lucky people:
1) Be charming, funny and mysterious when you mail somebody. Avoid brainless comments such as “Hi there” – instead find something in the person’s description – a hook – to comment on in a meaningful and humorous way. If you can find nothing in common, then forget it.
2) Mail the person every few days for at least a week, asking how they are – girls love it when you ask how they are. Only after 4 or 6 weeks of fairly constant communication do you ask for a date.
3) Have a solid plan for the date – bowling, climbing, whatever. Note: do NOT go to a movie on the first date! And make sure you squeeze in some alcohol somewhere. A first date without alcohol is doomed to failure.
4) You should not kiss the girl on the first date – only on the second date should you try for a snog. Sex is not out of the question on date 2, but should be avoided. Continue the charm offensive, and try for an activity with the possibility of bodily contact.
5) By date 3 a snog is required, and a shag is a definite possibility. Do not be worried if there are no willy antics, but if you have gotten to date 3 without some wet face action, you are in deep trouble and should rethink your strategy.
6) Now listen up – date 4 requires the willy to appear. It’s as simple as that. If you do not finish date four with the big fellow deep in the valley of love, you are wasting your time.
So remember – no complaining, be funny and calm and a bit mysterious and you will have your pants around your ankles in four dates or less, or else your money back. Not from me, though…