Figure 1: Where’s me bloody coffee..?!?
Now I am not fully human in the morning. I am not sure what happens, but large chunks of my brain close down. I answer questions with a grunt or two and can only perform very simple activities that involve moving one limb at a time. I possibly regress eighty thousand years back to a tool-making, spear-tossing stage and am best isolated from the rest of humanity until my cerebrum kicks in at about 10:40.
So the last thing I need is an annoying SMS from my mobile telephone provider telling me that I will, from now on, have an irritating feature on my mobile account without being asked if I want it.
The feature in question is the one where people ringing me up get to hear a cute song while waiting for me to answer. And my provider sends me an SMS to inform me that, in one hour, this service will be installed on my phone whether I want it or not, free for 30 days.
Now people who believe that this “service” is in any way to be desired will be consigned to a very special circle of hell reserved for hyperactive frogs and funny crying babies. Why is it believed that people today must be entertained at every possible opportunity, that having to go for ten whole seconds without hearing some music or a series of bone-shivering beeps is in some way a horrible chore to be avoided?
Amusing ring signals (and while-waiting signals) are the worst embodiment of our “me-me-me” culture. If a person is annoying you can simply not look at them, but now you are surrounded by idiots and forced to listen to their blaring “personalities” every second of the day. Listen dickless, having the James Bond theme on your phone does NOT made you a secret agent, and having a funny noise does NOT make you “funny”. It just makes you a cock and it PISSES ME OFF!
What will happen if I accept this “service” is that people will stop ringing me. I know they will – I know somebody with the same “service” on her mobile and now I do my best to not ring her unless necessary. Just to avoid the dreaded “3 is the magic number” jingle that will ruin my day. Yes, only the idiots will ring me, to get their daily dose of “wackiness”, and I will be an outcast in idiot land.
Anyway I know why they are offering me this “service” – it is so I will lose track of how many rings the phone has made. You see, many people are bad at answering their mobile and you must sometimes let it ring for quite a long time. After 4 or 5 rings, though, the answering machine cuts in, so I usually hang up right after ring 4 and ring again. However, with a fucking song, I can’t tell when ring four is, and I get dumped into the answering machine zone, and get charged the connection fee. This increases the mobile companies profits by 0.2% or something like that, while pushing our civilisation one tinier step towards idiocy, incompetent and probable destruction.
So anyway I called them up and cancelled the “service”, and the lady did not really understand why. “But it’s FREE for 30 days!” she said in amazement. “Yes,” I replied, “but I did not ask for it.” “But it’s FREE…”
Lesson to remember: Just because something is free is no reason why you should want it.