50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Well, I can’t thing of that many. Not fifty at any rate-perhaps it was easier to dump people when it was the seventies and you were Paul Simon.

But here’s a few:

1. The cold shoulder. A timeless classic, suitable for both the ladies and the gentlemen. Simply stop returning calls and find yourself very occupied and unable to find any time to meet. Of course, a person who is interested will ALWAYS find time to meet, so this is just a lot of cruel hints in close succession. And if they still don’t get the idea, just leave the country for a few months or post a horse’s head to them.

horsehead-10.jpg
Figure 1: A horse's head

2. The Pain in the tits. Again, available for both him and her. Simply make yourself so annoying, so strange and so unbearable that the other person dumps you instead. This way, you avoid guilt and even win sympathy from your friends. Very popular in Sweden this one, since it avoids blame. And that’s what most things in Sweden are about – avoiding being blamed for something or other.

3. The chicken-shit message. With technology advancing these days, it is all too easy to dump somebody by email or SMS. For God’s sake, don’t! This method lacks all honour, and you will go straight to hell (note: this is under no circumstances to be attempted if you are dating a Klingon).

4. The damp squib. With this method you never really end the relationship, just let it sort of fizzle out of its own accord. This can happen due to being lazy, or not having anybody else to shag. Not a bad way to end things, but not very final at all; it’s a much better option just to play with yourself.

5. The face to face. Ah, the granddaddy of break-up techniques. The squirming dialog, the nervous laughter and the pathetic pleading, all done over a cup or two of cold coffee—never beer, as this awakens lust. The old “we can be friends” and the “we are not right for each other” and “we want different things.” Yes, a cliché for every occasion, and a fine noble way to end a relationship. Top marks!

And here is my past record:

Dumping:
Pain in the tits – 1
Chicken-shit message – 1
Damp squib – 2

Being dumped:
Damp squib – 1
Chicken-shit message – 1
Cold shoulder – 1
Face to face – 1

So what’s YOUR score…?

/ paddy

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16 thoughts on “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

  1. Ah, scores. I appreciate those.

    Dumping:
    “Cold Shoulder” – 4
    “Damp Squib” – 1
    (interesting names, btw)

    Being dumped:
    “Cold Shoulder” – 1
    “Chicken-shit Message” – 2
    “Damp Squib” – 2

    The “Damp Squib” method is a bit difficult to attribute to one or the other person though, as it mostly requires both parts to be uninsterested enough to let it fade.
    I have however, to date, never been face to face dumped, and never done so myself. My obvious preferred method is the first, ignoring the other person, driving them to break it off with me.. But both kinda know who’s responsible for the whole thing.
    As per being irritating as such, is isn’t really my thing. I don’t like lowering myself to that level (yes I consider that lower than simply ignoring), and generally wouldn’t “get together with” a person who would be likely to use that method either.

    Other than that though, I hate people to a sufficient degree that I feel fine inflicting some form of mental suffering unto others with no regard.. And I figure the ignoration leads to something like that. If you consider the method of straight up face to face breakups, I think they make the biggest short term impact. I would imagine it’s quite difficult to take a person telling you directly that they do not wish to be together with you any longer, but still the ignoration leaves up to several months with the other person still believing that you MIGHT still like them. I think that makes the suffering over a longer term worth it.

    Just my thoughts.

    Regards,
    Daniel of Skane.

  2. Alltså, stirrar fascinerat på dina resultat. Vid din ålder, åtta förhållanden som du uppenbarligen anser haft en början och ett tydligt slut! Shit! Alla mina “stora”relationer har haft en blandning av allt när de tagit slut, utom den som slutade med ond bråd död, men den räknas väl inte. Alla de där korta, åh fan, jag vill inte räkna!

  3. Ok…some of these “releationships” were not terribly long, some of them only a month or two. But it makes a more interesting article! Artistic license, you know…

  4. Hmm.

    Dumping:
    Face To Face: 2

    Being dumped:
    Chicken Shit Message: 1
    Face To Face: 1

    (not on your list:
    Mutual agreement: 2)

    (I once had two relationships with the same guy – we separated for a while when he dumped me, moved in back together and after a while I dumped him)

    I think it’s a pretty descent score..?

  5. Hehehe… Paddy, I think I notice a pattern here… Don’t like confrontation, eh? :p Looks like I am the only one who is old-fashioned here… Face to face dumping exclusively.

  6. Me too with the face-to-face dumping (both as dumper and dumpee), though I believe as a teenager I may have used the cold shoulder technique to good effect. Have never used or received the chickenshit method, thank God, but I have put the verbal chickenshit to good use: “I hope we can still be friends”.

    One guy kept getting the verbal chickenshit over and over again, so to reward him for his persistence I married him. He just would not believe me.

  7. Alina: No, I LOVE confrontation…a little too much, actually.

    charlotteotter: Wow, does persistence really work? I gave up on that years ago…

  8. Yay! You are back! But why isn’t there any face to face dumping on your record? Hmm? Hmm? Btw, I just love that horse head picture, just genius!

  9. Alina: Well…no actually. It just never happened. Of course there really is no “pure” face-to-face – you always have an idea that something is about to happen when a “serious chat” is mentioned.

  10. Oh gawd! When I was a teenager I got my friend to tell my b/f I had finished with him. Could this be even worse than the chicken-shit message?

    Karma bit me though because I was dumped myself this way some time later by a boy I was reeeaaally into.

  11. Looking back over my dating years 20+ years ago, I found this was the ideal way to dump a man – just say these words: “Isn’t it time we made a real commitment to each other?” Yup, worked every time. Never saw them again for dust.

  12. earthpal: Yeah, that’s pretty low. Go drink a low-fat yogurt as a punishment.

    Kit: Wouldn’t work on me, I’m afraid…I’d probably just buy you a ring.

  13. Paddy, just found your site today m, long time since I’ve laughed so much.
    Ok, let’s tot up the scores:

    Being dumped:

    1: mixture of pain in the tits and chicken shit (MSN, for chrissakes)
    2: face to face
    1: one that you didn’t mention and happened to me, finding out that she was actually married

    Dumped:

    1: Damb squid

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