The Head and the Heart


Holy flapping shit. How hard can it be to get some loving around here, hmmm? I’m fresh, smart and funny and I’m not entirely unattractive (Hint: I would appreciate some comments on this point, along the lines of: “Oh come on Paddy, you’re gorgeous!”). So how hard can it be to find a girl who is wonderful and interesting, who I find attractive, who gives me that certain “zing” and is not opposed to playing with my willy and spending her life with me? Well?

As you people may notice, the “being single” rush has started to wear off. Last week the world was shiny and newborn, twinkling with possibility. Today it seems heavy, grey and a bit empty. I miss my ex, even though we should probably not be together. I miss feeling there is one person who I can always count on, who will never let me down (and who will also snog me when required). Yes, I’m better off apart from her – we didn’t have much in common, and all the rest of it, so why don’t I FEEL better off?

I suppose this feeling will fade – I have been single before, for lots and lots of years, and I survived (not to mention wrote a novel or two). But I wonder why my luck is so bad? 2 long-term relationships in my whole life- that’s 20 years of possible dating time and I have been single for 12 of them.

Have I been cursed by a witch doctor without my knowledge and prior consent? Am I strange in some vital way? Do I smell funny? Do I scare people? I don’t know what it is, but there must be something wrong.

People tell me how fun it is to be single – “Oh think of all the sex you get”. Well I don’t want lots of sex with people I don’t know, and anyway I never get very much. I’m not terribly good at chatting up girls at 2:30 in the morning with 4 beers and a Lynchberg Lemonade sloshing about inside me. And how exactly is the love machine supposed to function under these conditions? And why all this effort for sex I will barely remember?

There is probably some way to get over this. Time heals all wounds, blah blah blah. But this is the 21st fucking century, man! I’m not waiting around for “time”. I want solutions, I want answers, I want happiness – and I want them right now!

/ paddy (alone in a very big bed)


25 thoughts on “The Head and the Heart

  1. Oh come on Paddy, you’re gorgeous!

    I’m besotted and I’ve never seen you. It’s all in the words you see.

    Don’t look too hard Paddy. Something will happen. You’re way too charming (in a cynical, grumpy and hilariously funny way (and I mean that in the nicest way)) for girls not to be enticed.


    See – kisses too.

  2. Here are two undeniable facts which jointly go a long way towards explaining why guys who deserve better are so often single:

    A. Girls are people.
    B. People are stupid.

  3. Get thee to SprayDate. You remember how I told you about my wife’s friend who decided to have 40 SprayDates and then give up men if none of them was any good? She’s expecting her second kid now with SprayDate #27.

  4. When I feel like that, I get out the booze and listen to some Jefferson Starship. Here’s to those brilliant Japanese robotics experts who secretly build their own artificial life partner from scratch. Skål! {glug, glug, glug}

  5. Paddy, you’re gorgeous! How can you doubt yourself? I worry for you.

    Really, if there is anyone in the world better than Nick Frost, it is you. Truly. And you drink Guinness! If it weren’t for a prior marriage contract I would be on the next plane to Stockholm to warm up that bed.

    (…and seriously, women appreciate a man with a good sense of humor; just ask my husband.)

    ::::KBS (who usually lurks but felt called out by your plea)

  6. For fucks sake. A bit of patience and perspective please. How long has it been? 2 weeks? Listen, you’re a great guy with great clothes and a lovely smile, blah defucking blah, but you got to give it a little time. I live in a city where everyone complains about how hard it is to meet people. and it is. But if it was easy, it wouldn’t mean anything. And wouldn’t be satisfying when you do. You’ve cultivated an engaging if somewhat strange personality and set of interests over the years, but these will stand to you. You’ll get back in there. It’s like riding a bike. Or swimming.

  7. Blackout: I’ll remember to mention that to the next girl I meet.

    KimBooSan: Hmmm…bring compared to Nick Frost…I’ll have to think about that one. But thanks for your kind comments. And de-lurk a bit more often!

    Madeline: Thanks…er, Madeline…for your confusing words. You do speak some truth. And I’ll have you know that I can swim these days. Although I DID forget how to cycle…

  8. From a person who was the female equivalent of the ‘nice guy’ I can tell you that a good portion of women seem to want a partner who holds them in contempt. I suppose those women don’t think they deserve to be treated nicely. It’s depressing but that’s the way it seems. I can’t tell you how many times I thought, “But that guy’s a jackhole! Why would she prefer him?!”

  9. Alex Foster: It seems that women pick asshole guys because they are so “exciting”. They are aware of their faults but they see it as a challenge and think: “Oh, I know he’s got problems, but I can CHANGE him…”

    And that’s the big mistake – you can’t just change somebody.

  10. By the big meaty balls of the flying spaghetti monster, WHY do women think that? It’s like they see men as big piles of mouldable plasticine that need to be fixed. Isn’t life difficult enough without spending your spare time ‘fixing’ a person to meet your whims?

  11. charliebadaboom: I AM sexy…and I have drunk absinthe. I don’t have those very colourful shirts, though…

    ullis: So you mean I just walk up to a girl and use Phil Lynnot’s quote: “Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like a little more Irish in you?” Ok then, I’ll do it! Now where are all these girls…?

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