My alarm clock makes the following noise: “BoopBoopBoopBoopFuckingBoop”. I suppose it’s just doing its job, annoying me enough to get me up, but it’s just a bit…severe.
It also has, since I bought it in Ireland in 1995, the old-school AM-PM system. This is great for confusing the Swedes. They will attempt to set the alarm time but just end up staring at the little screen in dismay for a while, chewing thoughtfully at their lips. At which point they will look up with eyes like pits of despair and begin to whimper.
I proceed to explain: “It’s very simple really. AM means Antibus Mallevelous and begins at exactly 12 midnight. It continues right up until one microsecond before noon, at which point it becomes PM, or Particulate Monstrosity. So just remember that PM is afternoon and evening, except for midday, which is still AM.”
It actually makes less sense each time I read it. On my clock the AM/PM divide is represented, uselessly enough, by a little red dot, with the presence of said dot indicating PM. Unfortunately the clock uses a similar system – a red dot – to indicate if the alarm is active or not, leading to lots of amusing mix-ups and shouting at 9:23 on a Tuesday morning.
So I could just take me to a purveyor of annoying clocks and get a new Swedish one. But this would use the 24-hour system, which is the work of the devil. So I will instead buy one on postal order direct from England, the land of idiotic measurements, to ensure that I can confuse guests for years to come.
Or maybe I just need a girlfriend…