Superman

To put this simply, I am a superhero. Oh yes I probably am.

confessions_superhero.jpg

Alright, so I can’t fly, I’ll give you that. But there are several other points that need to be considered:

1) I never get sick. Seriously, I don’t. I get the occasional cold, like everybody, but it’s never serious enough to be a bother. I don’t get flu, or the dreaded Swedish Winter Vomiting Disease, or deep vein thrombosis, and the last time I had food poisoning was 1989.

2) I have perfect, straight, shiny teeth. I had some major fillings done in 1994 and then did not see a dentist for 11 years. Then when I went in 2005, expecting the worst, I was told that everything was great, off you go. And I don’t take particularly good care of those teeth either.

3) I have never broken a bone or done any kind or injury requiring a hospital visit. In fact I have only been a customer at a hospital once in my life, when I put my back out. Whereupon they told me, after I had waited in pain for 4 hours: “Well it seems like you put your back out.” Thanks, doctor.

4) I have no allergies whatsoever (except to Persil automatic, which makes me come out in a rash).

I have wondered long and hard why I am such a tough and/or lucky individual. Some explanations are:

A) We drank unpasteurized milk (raw milk) direct from our own cows when I was growing up. It puts hair on one’s chest.

B) Our house was very damp and cold and by the time I was 10 I had already suffered through every virus known to man.

C) We did not have central heating so the house was cold in winter and warm in summer. This meant my body experienced the seasons in the natural way, unlike the sickly Swedes around me who live at a constant 20 degrees and will complain in a squeaking voice if a window is left open for more than 10 seconds and fall in a blithering heap at any and all viruses that happen to float past.

D) I AM indeed a superhero. And if this is the case, I already know what my super-power is–the cold and unblinking stare. I can disable my blink reflex, you see, and beat absolutely anybody at a staring contest.

So if the Earth is ever invaded my unblinking monstrosities from the planet Akimbo…well, you know exactly who to call.

/ Paddy

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10 thoughts on “Superman

  1. There’s an Aussie comedian who does a song about “Very mild super powers”. It’s probably on Youtube.

    You realise that if you’re a superhero you must have some super weakness lurking around the corner waiting to pounce? Is Persil Automatic your Kryptonite?

  2. charlotteotter: Just keep that green crap away from me!

    Martin: Yes, a miserable childhood is the ticket to a happy life!

    Chris: Yes…the dreaded Persil…

    Stuart: Yes, it’s true, I have the ability to convert alcohol in my stomach to an acidic fluid which I can then spray at my enemies. Very handy!

  3. This entire post is a small advert for yourself in order to increase your chances of getting into the so called “panty” of a lady or two, right? Admit it!

    Oh, btw. You understand swedish liquidly right?

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