Simon Cowell Eat Me

It’s about time for Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and the rest of them to die from a heart attack. Or a stroke. Or a .22 to the back of the head, whichever is easiest to organise.


These bolloxes are taking what I and many others love – real music – and turning it into a pap, shitty product to make themselves look big. And I don’t really care if that’s how the music “business” has “always worked”. The simple truth is that they produce soulless and meaningless rubbish, sung by pretty but pointless morons.

Well just fuck the fuck off, you shits.

And if you know so fucking much about “music”, Mr. Cowell, then why have so few of the idiot mannequins you have produced with your “show” made anything worth listening to? I’ll tell you why – because they are garbage. And because you have the penis of a small squirrel.

Hey, maybe if we all download the hell out of every shitty music “product” served up by these idiots, maybe we can break their balls. So let’s make this clear – I absolutely advocate the downloading and distribution of any and all rubbish musical “products” coming from moronic TV shows such as Idol and X-factor and Posers Sing Pap or whatever the hell they are called.

On the brighter side, there is a campaign currently under way to get some more appropriate Xmas songs into the number one position by cleverly buying them online. Plans are afoot to push Malcolm Middleton’s brilliantly catchy “We’re all going to die” to the top of the charts in the UK, and Tom Wait’s “Christmas Card From a Hooker In Minneapolis” in Ireland.

The site for the Tom Waits effort is here, and the blog of Mr. Graham Linehan gives more details here. Basically you buy the tunes from a download service and you do your bit to remove shit music from the top position.

I am even considering installing iTunes just to download these songs, even though normally I would refuse to install a software product by Apple where the first letter is small and the second one large. But I can make an exception just this once.

This is our chance to make Christmas real and miserable again. Or, as Graham Linehan puts it, at last we can stick it to the men who make their living “selling children’s music to slow adults.”

And a merry Xmas to all.

/ paddy

16 thoughts on “Simon Cowell Eat Me

  1. Never heard of them either but I suppose they are in The Music Industry.
    On the other hand, Tom Waits are not, he is his own and I really like everything he is doing.

  2. Never heard of them either but I suppose they are in The Music Industry.
    On the other hand, Tom Waits are not, he is his own and I like everything he is doing.

  3. Everybody: What the fuck people, I understand that you don’t watch Idol or any of those shows, but you must have at least HEARD of Mr. Cowell? I don’t watch TV at all, and I know who he is. What are you people doing with your free time, walking and picking flowers and talking to friends and finding swords and fancy stuff like that? I mean come ON; get with the program!

  4. I know who they are! It’s impossible to live in England and not know who the enormously wealthy Artist & Repertoire (A&R) executive for Sony BMG (in the UK) and tv-producer Simon Cowell is….and Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne’s wife. I have to admit that I have in the past watched bits of Pop Idol, X-Factor, American Idol and Britain’s Got Talent, all of which he is involved in.

  5. Simon Cowell – just a name I heard vaguely somewhere. When I were a lad we used to complain about Stock, Aitken and Waterman. Who remembers them now?

    (I’m not sure how Sharon Osbourne got into this but Ozzy is a True Rock God and if she saved him from himself then that excuses her a lot of royal pain-in-the-arseness in every other way.)

  6. Paddy, brilliantly said as ever. Simon Cowell is a twerp and is responsible for some utter pap being brought into our living rooms. And I don’t want to hear any cries that I should just switch channels because I have an eleven-year-old daughter who adores said pap so it’s not so easy to just switch off.

    One of my personal favourite Christmas songs – Fairytale of New York by The Pogues/Kirsty MacColl has been messed about with this year. Radio 1 has decided to remove the word ‘faggot’ on account of any potential offense it may cause. This song has been played for two decades and suddenly it’s offensive!

    Pathetic! At least consider the context!

    Well for sure it will bring the song some great publicity.

    Merry Christmas!

  7. I’m voting for Take That – Rule the World, for Christmas. It’s a virtual vote, as in I’m not going to pay for it, or download it, or listen to it voluntarily. However, if I have to listn to one tune played over and over and over, it might as well be that. And it’s in the film Stardust.

  8. About Fairytale In New York as mentioned by Earthpal – this afternoon the BBC decided that they will play the uncensored version. They changed their minds after complaints from thousands of people!!

  9. Hurrah! Uncensored Pouges songs is what Christmas is all about. And all you UK:ers – got your arses moving and buy the bloody Malcolm Middleton song! It’s wonderful! And please disregard that scandalous comment about Take That – Tim was probably not himself.

  10. Happily, it appears from an interview that Mr Louis Walsh, of Kiltimagh, Co. Mayo, gave to the Sunday Independent “newspaper” last week, that he too wishes for Simon Cowell to meet an unexpectedly hasty end. Can’t remember the exact wording of the headline, but it was along the lines of “I wanted Simon Cowell to die.” Nice. Since I wouldn’t recommend that anyone read the Sunday Independent, it seems best to pass that information along here.

  11. Yeah, that Pogues song ban… {roll eyes}… As a faggot, I can honestly say I don’t care what those filthy breeders sing :P Next they’ll be banning “n*g**r” from all gangster rap and replacing it with “knuckles” and converting the rants of Don Imus into one 20-minute long “bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep”. Let’s burn books again, like the good ol’ days.

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