The Final Turd

That’s it. I am so out of here.

I live in an area of Stockholm which is, to say the least, less than fancy. To summarise: annoying kids on mopeds; clichéd young men with tattoos and big scary dogs; swarms of unemployed middle-aged people who spend all their time at the local dive bar laughing at each other’s stupid jokes; people who dump their rubbish literally all over the place; criminals of every flavour including illegal booze dealers, organised gangsters, and the occasional messy murder.

Not to mention that my street has the highest percentage of inhabitants living on socialbidrag (not even sure what the English is – state hand-outs?) of any street in Sweden.

There is a great forest close by, and this is the only plus, as you can see. Excellent for running, walking, thinking, looking for beavers, and so on.

But fair enough, I knew this was a “budget” area when I moved in 3 years ago, which was why I got the flat so easily. And I have nothing against people living on state hand-outs (well, not much anyway) as long as they keep to themselves, learn how to use the laundry room and don’t bug me. But yesterday came the final straw, and now I’m stopping at nothing to get out.

The reason: shit on the stairs. (Click on image below at your own risk).

Yes, as I left the flat at 10 to drop off some rubbish I came across an unholy stink and a large clump of human excrement, which had been neatly deposited on the stairs I would have to take to get to the ground floor.

What kind of fucking moron would do that? What pathetic example of humanity would shit on the stairs of a building where people live, with their families? To be honest, I don’t even want to know. Instead I am moving out. Let the locals enjoy their quaint atmosphere of broken glass, garbage, dog shit and good times down at the last-chance saloon. But that’s it for me.

So I am now in the process of trying to swap my apartment for what is known as a “blivande bostadsrätt”, a rental apartment that will soon be eligible to be bought. And even though I have complained about this selling-out of apartments before, right now I actually don’t care.

I am also on the look out for a straight swap, one rental apartment for another, in any area that isn’t this one. Not the first option, but an option nonetheless.

I simply want to live where I want to live, preferably in the area in Stockholm with the absolute least amount of dobermans, tribal tattoos, mopeds and alcoholics with weak bowel control. And that’s all there is to it.

/ paddy


16 thoughts on “The Final Turd

  1. Alex: Ah jeeeezus…that’s just typical of this country. They have a word here “kränkt” (pronounced krengt, approx) which refers to this kind of thing – people imagining that their rights have been abused if somebody isn’t “fair” to them. I’ll have to do a proper rant on this soon. Fuck**g idiots.

  2. I figured you’d have something to say about it (if you hadn’t already).

    Meanwhile, I sent the link to a friend and he said: Well, at least they’re not invading Iraq.

  3. Is Alex’s story right – both the school _and_ the boy’s father have complained to Parliament? What the fuck do the school have to complain about?

  4. Re: Alex/Paddy in “birthday party”:

    Obviously the school didn´t remember to ask Magdalena Ribbing first…
    (MR is Swedens greatest adviser icon on how to conduct oneself.)

    As for turdy stairs: Good luck in finding a place that can guarantee you lack of turdy stairs… :)

    The nicer the area, the higher amount of angst teenagers trying to “protest” against their boring bourgeois parents. Not to mention the dogs… Aah, the dogs, the dogs. Their dog-owners are an old and well-known problem – how to make them pick up their poo in the little plastic bag made specifically for the purpose, instead of leaving the poo on the sidewalk.

    Sorry Paddy, but I don’t think there is any place in Sweden where you can get away from public poo.

    regards from Rolf the analretentive :)

  5. I’m a dog owner and would never dream of leaving my dog’s poo around – except in the deep woods, which is quite OK!

    Sweden is amazingly clean compared to Paris, for example, where the pavements are covered in said K9 turds!

    /Lady Fi

  6. Me again!

    About the birthday party… All us parents have been ‘trained’ from dagis onwards NEVER to give out party invitations at school or dagis unless everyone is invited. This is a well know unwritten rule in Sweden!

    A bit insensitive of the boy and especially his parents – but certainly NOT an issue for Parliament!

  7. Jag hoppas att du vinner många miljoner så du har kan skaffa ett corps de logi, kanske ett fullblod för inspektion av ägorna. Eventuellt ulmerdoggar, ja definitivt ulmerdoggar.
    Två stycken väldresserade.
    Fang och Hero :-)

  8. And the poo story is disgusting, especially if it is human. Can stand dog and cat ditto better and really love the horse variant…but humasn. Urrrk.

  9. Everybody: Thanks for comments, have been away and too lazy for the usual individual replies. But you know I love you.

    Christina: It is a requirement for my readers to have read “How to use a toilet”. Even the ones who shit on my stairs. I will print out a copy and leave it in the stairwell.

  10. People have too much time on their freaking hands. Gosh, we have to go back to the workers society so people don’t have time to develope these kinds of insanity and the idea of them pooing in a staircase doesn’t pop up at all.

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