Coffee in a Thing

So I have settled in at my new job. I can turn on and off the alarm system, I know when to sneak in and use the copier for private purposes, and I have developed my sixth sense to detect when a person is approaching from behind so that I can shut down Facebook and adopt a look of intense concentration.

I know where the best Sushi can be found in the area, which sandwiches are best at the PrisXtra across the street and which features are most treasured by on-line bingo players. So, you could say that I am learning things.

And then there is the coffee. Ah yes, the coffee, the iron core of any IT office. And, being Sweden, the coffee is black and the coffee is strong and the coffee is many. But this new office of mine has taken things to the next level, coffee-wise, with the fantastic space-age bells and whistles Nespresso machine.

It works like this. A little plastic bulb of coffee is inserted into slot A (or slot B). Button C is pressed, options are selected and the bulb is sucked into the bowels of the device and, after some crunching and grunting and squealing, coffee is produced. From spout E.

Now, after all of this mechanical wizardry, you might expect the coffee to be good. Well, it isn’t. It’s awful. And on top of this the thing has to prompted to turn on every morning and milk and water must be inserted into various orifices and plastic tubes attached before any coffee can be produced.

And this is just too damned difficult so early in the morning, before we’ve had our coffee. So now every day a pot of regular coffee, brewed with old-school ground-up beans and hot water, sits innocently next to this monstrosity. And we all drink it, and pretend not to let on that the big shiny kitchen terminator is rubbish.

So maybe soon the management will get the message and get us a pinball table instead. We can only hope.

/ paddy

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “Coffee in a Thing

  1. “It works like this. A little plastic bulb of coffee is inserted into slot A (or slot B). Button C is pressed, options are selected and the bulb is sucked into the bowels of the device and, after some crunching and grunting and squealing, coffee is produced. From spout E.”

    Wow, now that’s an erotic cup of coffee. Sorry to hear that it disappoints though. I guess that machine is just faking its orgasmic sounds then. How humiliating first thing in the morning. If I were you, I’d start cheating on her by moseying over to a local coffeeshop. That’ll show that electronic bitch, hehehe.

  2. I don’t drink coffee myself, if not mixed with masses of milk. And being lactose intolerant, I can’t drink it at public places. So my experience with work-coffee is people sitting around a table, making sour faces and “hey, it’s not the caffeine that keeps me awake, it’s the taste.”
    I think it’s an international conspiracy against workers, reminding them that they’re not at home and shouldn’t be comfortable.

  3. I am fortunate, not to say blessed, to be working for an employer who takes the essential supply of caffeine to the workers very seriously indeed! We have a machine from a company called Coffeeplease, and it makes the very best coffee I have ever tasted at any workplace.

    So whenever I find I have too much blood in my caffeine stream, it’s a pleasure to rectify the situation!

  4. LOL, Ullis! My place of employment must serve the worst coffee in the whole of Sweden! For years, we had three choices: coffee, espresso, and hot water. Now we have downgraded to just coffee or hot water. IF anything, the taste of ancient coffee sumps that have been festering for three days filtered through used, sweaty socks has got even worse with our ‘new’ second-hand downgrade!

    No wonder no one is very motivated at work! But are certainly reminded that we are not at home!!!

  5. Glen Gordon: Only you could find eroticism in that one. Sheesh.

    Ullis: Yes we are all addicts.

    Martin: Yes, time for some central stimulant with bovine mammary secretions.

    SirPe: That, sir, is a job to hold on to.

    ladyFi: Hot water can be rather nice, actually. Especially when you consider the alternative.

  6. Can you make the awesome looking coffee pot into something useful? Like turn it into a computer case or something?

    I mean… it’s too neat looking to not put to SOME use…

  7. The problem isn’t that you have an espresso machine – it’s that you have a Nespresso machine. Ain’t no technology going to make something that’s basically Nescafe taste good. Even calling that stuff ‘coffee’ is pushing it …

  8. I especially like the coffee at my workplace. It’s a bit seethrough for about 5 mm’s (like soggy pondwater) at the top and has an oily bubbly coating. Looks yummy!

  9. At our medical center we all drink black oil, not coffee, and in special cases of emergency coffein pills will do. When no rest is in sight.

  10. Alex: It would make a fine Cylon helmet, or something similar.

    Conor: When the world goes under, only these little plastic pods of Nescafe will remain to remind us of coffee. Sad, really.

    Ullis: Go girl, try it! You will never look back.

  11. Paddy to Blackout: “Coffee with caffeine pills. Now that’s hardcore.”

    Nah. Hardcore is a double-shot Americano with a couple of Actifed tablets. Trust me: You’ll be FLYING like a kite in a hurricane. Oh dear, perhaps I’ve said too much, hahaha.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s