Vanilla Sex And Chocolate Sex

24 Feb

I’ve always been vaguely irritated by the phrase “vanilla sex” and now I’ve worked out why.

For those of you who don’t ever read anything ever, vanilla sex means “normal” sex. You know, the whole act of putting it in and out and shaking it all about. Making the beast with the two backs. Shagging. Bouncing on the naughty trampoline. And so on.

More precisely though, it means “normal” sex when talked about by people who would really like to point out that what they do isn’t “normal” sex. That the basic act just doesn’t get them off as they are complicated and edgy. Hence vanilla, supposedly the most boring of ice-cream flavours, although personally I find chocolate more boring.

Vanilla Bean Ice Cream 500

Now everyone may do whatever the hell they like in the bedroom, as long as it’s done between one or more consenting adults. I have no protest there. What bugs me is the vaguely disguised snobbery, the insinuation that my sex is boring whereas your sex is dark and interesting. I bloody hate snobbery. I don’t like wine “experts” telling me how their drink is superior to beer. Or literary book snobs who look down on science fiction because it’s “far-fetched” while reading every unlikely detective story or magic realism novel that exists. Or music snobs who look down their noses at what other people are enjoying, totally convinced those others are “wrong” but don’t yet realise it.

latex-ponyBut sex is sex. If some people get off sufficiently on “normal” sex – and there’s a hell of a lot to do in that area – that’s fine. But if your senses have become so dulled, and your excitement pathways so hard-triggered that you can only get off if somebody is dressed like a latex horse, then I think the problem is yours and not mine. (Although, it must be admitted, latex is very nice.)

If you think I’m being too sensitive, think about this. Have you even heard the phrase “vanilla sex” being used by a person who isn’t into kinky sex, or used in a way that isn’t sneery or condescending? I haven’t. People who say “vanilla sex” almost always do it with a slight edge of superiority. They may not say it flat-out, but to them I am boring, and they are not.

Well, if you claim I’m boring, I claim the opposite. I claim my mind is expansive and creative enough to enjoy the feelings and act of sex without accessories, whereas your poor deprived noggin requires props and a lot of effort to feel what I feel. Just because I can get off on the basic act of copulation, and you need props or mindsets, that doesn’t make you more “complicated” than me. It just makes you different.

So enough of the “vanilla”. What I enjoy is sex. What you enjoy is sex with an added layer of mind-games, scenarios and props. So fuck away, just don’t look down on how I do. And let’s all try to live in sticky slippery salty harmony.

/ paddy


Posted by on February 24, 2013 in Obscura, Ranting


Tags: , , , , ,

30 responses to “Vanilla Sex And Chocolate Sex

  1. Miss Kitten

    February 24, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    These days, having a “vanilla” sex life is considered kinky. :)

  2. marymackinblack

    February 24, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    I get what you’re saying. People can be snobs about anything and it’s annoying, I agree. I notice, though, that this post is all about your own experience of the act. What about hers (or his, I suppose)? Sex is about two people; the best sex satisfies everybody. I think the criticism often leveled at “normal” sex is that it dispenses with COMMUNICATION in favor of the “peg A into slot B” mentality. Whereas kinky sex almost necessarily requires communication (Does this hurt? Are you a little whore? I need you to say no when you mean no. And of course What do you want?) thus opening up perhaps a broader range of potential experiences for both partners. I mean, you may not be bored, but…peg A into slot B doesn’t necessarily do it for me, or for a lot of the other women and men out there who are potential partners. Just a thought; I enjoyed your post and appreciate you drawing our attention to the loaded rhetoric. PS I really like vanilla ice cream also.

    • paddyK

      February 24, 2013 at 6:52 pm

      Good points. However, I’m no missionary position drone, and I do like to ask sex partners what thy like and what works, and try and notice what does. It’s kind of central to the whole act. Sex should be varied and interesting and good for both people and if not should be talked about. I just, as you seem to understand, object to being sneered at slightly by people who consider themselves superior. The definition of “vanilla” seems to depend on who you ask, and therefore shouldn’t really be used at all. Thanks for reading!

    • Don Droga

      May 1, 2016 at 3:48 am

      Nice comment. Agree

  3. Ellet

    February 24, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    You must have met some uncharming peopleS out there. I’ve only ever heard anyone talk (IRL) about “vanilla sex” once and in the sentence “It’s mostly vanilla, but from time to time, we like to -insert random act of not-vanilla that I can’t remember”.

    Also, who says one can’t have both?!

    • V.L. Craven

      February 25, 2013 at 8:36 pm

      That’s pretty much how I’ve heard vanilla sex referenced to, as well.

    • paddyK

      March 6, 2013 at 4:46 pm

      Not just from people, mostly online.

      • V.L. Craven

        March 6, 2013 at 6:53 pm

        Well, the vast majority of people online are jerkfaces.

  4. Anonymous

    February 24, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    I like my vanilla delivered via a rusty trombone.
    Pulling your leg. (now that’s weird….)
    No seriously, I hear you and get you completely. I’m game for trying anything if it’s fun, but the thing that really irks me is everything, every slight variation, has a freaking name, via Urban Dictionary of course, and people, those snobs you refer to, love to drop them into conversations and pretend to presume that we are all supposed to know what they mean. Well they can take that attitude and throw it in their Tossed Salad!

    • blitzken

      February 24, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      I like my vanilla delivered via a rusty trombone.
      Pulling your leg. (now that’s weird….)
      No seriously, I hear you and get you completely. I’m game for trying anything if it’s fun, but the thing that really irks me is everything, every slight variation, has a freaking name, via Urban Dictionary of course, and people, those snobs you refer to, love to drop them into conversations and pretend to presume that we are all supposed to know what they mean. Well they can take that attitude and throw it in their Tossed Salad!

      • paddyK

        March 6, 2013 at 4:47 pm

        Snobs will be snobs, I guess.

  5. luanaaraceli

    February 24, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    I think the term “vanilla” when it comes to referencing people outside the kinky community came about more because kinky people didn’t want to feel abnormal or freakish because they were doing kinky things than as an attempt to insult anyone. Referring to someone else as “normal” implies that you aren’t normal, and a lot of kinky people have trouble accepting that the things they want in a sexual relationship fall outside societal norms.

    • paddyK

      March 6, 2013 at 4:49 pm

      I’m not asking anybody to call anything “normal”. Horrible word, that. I just want them to not think they’re more interesting than me because of what they do with their or other people’s genitals.

  6. V.L. Craven

    February 24, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    This is where being asexual is extremely useful because all sex seems odd to me, whereas, sexual people generally think anything *they* don’t do to be freaky.

    I do find sex very interesting, though. It’s always interesting when an entire group of people have so much of their self esteem wrapped up in something means nothing to you.

    Though, to answer a question in your post, I have heard people use the word ‘vanilla’ to describe sex in a way that wasn’t condescending, but my friends and I talk about sex differently than most people.

    • paddyK

      March 6, 2013 at 4:50 pm

      Sex does take up a large percent of many brains. I can imagine it’s very peaceful to not have to think about it.

      • Don Droga

        May 1, 2016 at 3:47 am


  7. Sean Mulroy

    February 24, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Chocolate sex is grand but Im not crazy about the chunks.

  8. annababy2013

    February 26, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    As an American, I can say I hear this type of condescension. There are the liberated types that whisper how repressed and unenlightened “vanilla” is, while the uber Christians say anything other than “vanilla” is because we are so desensitized to sex and violence because television and a lack of God in our lives. There is so little middle ground or even an expectation of one. Regardless, the judgement and assumptions are annoying.

    • paddyK

      March 6, 2013 at 4:51 pm

      Indeed they are.

  9. Sam Brighton

    March 2, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    A friend of mine, Bill, is into really weird stuff. Sometimes he tells me about it and I’m like, ‘Jesus Bill, that’s pretty messed up. I don’t know how you can get off on that.’ He’s a pretty cool guy though.

    • paddyK

      March 6, 2013 at 4:52 pm

      I think I know the Bill you mean. He’s a fucking head-case.

  10. Jfgj

    August 30, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    I like both but im not into the costumes but i like bdsm and vanilla sex so im not looking down at you it feels dven better with my clit ring

  11. Colin Rosenthal (@colinrosenthal)

    March 17, 2014 at 9:05 am

    I think I’m more offended at the implied slight against vanilla ice-cream – good creamy ice-cream with masses of real vanilla, of course, not the pallid tasteless crap that so often passes for vanilla these days. Sorry, what were we talking about again?

    • paddyK

      March 24, 2014 at 7:14 am

      Yes! Real vanilla is excellent. Much better than that chocolate crap. Wait, now I sound like a racist…

    • Don Droga

      May 1, 2016 at 3:52 am

      from Harold McGee
      ‘The first Europeans to taste vanilla were the Spanish, who gave it its name; vainilla is the Spanish diminutive for “sheath” or “husk” (from the Latin vagina).

  12. Anonymous

    June 7, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    what is this type of suit called and what do i use to search to get one of my own?

  13. Anonymous

    December 26, 2015 at 8:17 am

    lol so tru but smacked bum nevercgoes astray

  14. mbb1020

    April 16, 2016 at 5:49 am

    I’m sorry many of you feel that the term ‘vanilla’ is an insult. Believe it or not many people in the kinky community feel the same about the term ‘freak’ (that they are being looked down upon) regardless of the context or that persons definition of the word. I’ve actually said it about MYSELF in front of a couple who promptly scolded me for it. Personally, I don’t care if what I do is referred to as freaky, perverted, chocolate, kinky, etc. To me it just means I know what I like and have had the good fortune of finding a partner with similar interests. But the fact is that the terms ‘vanilla’ and ‘chocolate’ mean different things to different people. To one person, blindfolds can be considered chocolate while the next could consider it vanilla. I’ve personally always considered ‘vanilla’ sex just to mean the kind of sex you can do with someone before you know their turn ons (for instance pulling someone’s hair, smacking their butt, going straight for the butthole, etc probably isn’t a good idea to do to someone during a one night stand). So if you have met someone who looks down on you for not doing what they consider ‘chocolate’ then I apologize for them, but please remember that its a two way street and what you say can also come off just as judgmental.

  15. ThePageist

    April 17, 2016 at 5:12 am

    I rarely hear anyone use the word ‘vanilla’ to mean an insult. Usually it’s just a way to say ‘non-kinky’. There are gay people and straight people, right handed people and left handed people, kinky people and vanilla people. You can’t help what turns you on.

  16. Don Droga

    May 1, 2016 at 3:46 am

    How can anyone have sex the same way over and over. It’s unimaginative and yes boring.


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