I’ve always been vaguely irritated by the phrase “vanilla sex” and now I’ve worked out why.
For those of you who don’t ever read anything ever, vanilla sex means “normal” sex. You know, the whole act of putting it in and out and shaking it all about. Making the beast with the two backs. Shagging. Bouncing on the naughty trampoline. And so on.
More precisely though, it means “normal” sex when talked about by people who would really like to point out that what they do isn’t “normal” sex. That the basic act just doesn’t get them off as they are complicated and edgy. Hence vanilla, supposedly the most boring of ice-cream flavours, although personally I find chocolate more boring.
Now everyone may do whatever the hell they like in the bedroom, as long as it’s done between one or more consenting adults. I have no protest there. What bugs me is the vaguely disguised snobbery, the insinuation that my sex is boring whereas your sex is dark and interesting. I bloody hate snobbery. I don’t like wine “experts” telling me how their drink is superior to beer. Or literary book snobs who look down on science fiction because it’s “far-fetched” while reading every unlikely detective story or magic realism novel that exists. Or music snobs who look down their noses at what other people are enjoying, totally convinced those others are “wrong” but don’t yet realise it.
But sex is sex. If some people get off sufficiently on “normal” sex – and there’s a hell of a lot to do in that area – that’s fine. But if your senses have become so dulled, and your excitement pathways so hard-triggered that you can only get off if somebody is dressed like a latex horse, then I think the problem is yours and not mine. (Although, it must be admitted, latex is very nice.)
If you think I’m being too sensitive, think about this. Have you even heard the phrase “vanilla sex” being used by a person who isn’t into kinky sex, or used in a way that isn’t sneery or condescending? I haven’t. People who say “vanilla sex” almost always do it with a slight edge of superiority. They may not say it flat-out, but to them I am boring, and they are not.
Well, if you claim I’m boring, I claim the opposite. I claim my mind is expansive and creative enough to enjoy the feelings and act of sex without accessories, whereas your poor deprived noggin requires props and a lot of effort to feel what I feel. Just because I can get off on the basic act of copulation, and you need props or mindsets, that doesn’t make you more “complicated” than me. It just makes you different.
So enough of the “vanilla”. What I enjoy is sex. What you enjoy is sex with an added layer of mind-games, scenarios and props. So fuck away, just don’t look down on how I do. And let’s all try to live in sticky slippery salty harmony.
/ paddy
Paddy K 
These days, having a “vanilla” sex life is considered kinky. :)
I live in Brighton. I feel like a retard or deviant because I DON’T want to be hurt, do it with other girls or more than one person at a time.
I get what you’re saying. People can be snobs about anything and it’s annoying, I agree. I notice, though, that this post is all about your own experience of the act. What about hers (or his, I suppose)? Sex is about two people; the best sex satisfies everybody. I think the criticism often leveled at “normal” sex is that it dispenses with COMMUNICATION in favor of the “peg A into slot B” mentality. Whereas kinky sex almost necessarily requires communication (Does this hurt? Are you a little whore? I need you to say no when you mean no. And of course What do you want?) thus opening up perhaps a broader range of potential experiences for both partners. I mean, you may not be bored, but…peg A into slot B doesn’t necessarily do it for me, or for a lot of the other women and men out there who are potential partners. Just a thought; I enjoyed your post and appreciate you drawing our attention to the loaded rhetoric. PS I really like vanilla ice cream also.
Good points. However, I’m no missionary position drone, and I do like to ask sex partners what thy like and what works, and try and notice what does. It’s kind of central to the whole act. Sex should be varied and interesting and good for both people and if not should be talked about. I just, as you seem to understand, object to being sneered at slightly by people who consider themselves superior. The definition of “vanilla” seems to depend on who you ask, and therefore shouldn’t really be used at all. Thanks for reading!
I’m frankly confused by the whole thing. I’m not aware of being boring in bed and there is certainly no “lying back and thinking of England”, and yet I don’t particularly want to go to fetish parties. I wouldn’t mind the whole dressing up bit, it’s just the bondage and what not isn’t really my cup of tea and I’m not sure how I would feel if people were doing it in front of me. And yet I feel somehow retarded because I’ve never done it with another girl (frankly, I think people may have hinted at it and I just didn’t get the hint) and never with more than one person at a time. Am I boring and vanilla because I want to have intimate, sensuous, erotic sex with a man I’m at least really, really keen on?
PS I meant to say – good article – it’s cheered me up no end!!
Nice comment. Agree
You must have met some uncharming peopleS out there. I’ve only ever heard anyone talk (IRL) about “vanilla sex” once and in the sentence “It’s mostly vanilla, but from time to time, we like to -insert random act of not-vanilla that I can’t remember”.
Also, who says one can’t have both?!
That’s pretty much how I’ve heard vanilla sex referenced to, as well.
Not just from people, mostly online.
Well, the vast majority of people online are jerkfaces.
I like my vanilla delivered via a rusty trombone.
Pulling your leg. (now that’s weird….)
No seriously, I hear you and get you completely. I’m game for trying anything if it’s fun, but the thing that really irks me is everything, every slight variation, has a freaking name, via Urban Dictionary of course, and people, those snobs you refer to, love to drop them into conversations and pretend to presume that we are all supposed to know what they mean. Well they can take that attitude and throw it in their Tossed Salad!
I like my vanilla delivered via a rusty trombone.
Pulling your leg. (now that’s weird….)
No seriously, I hear you and get you completely. I’m game for trying anything if it’s fun, but the thing that really irks me is everything, every slight variation, has a freaking name, via Urban Dictionary of course, and people, those snobs you refer to, love to drop them into conversations and pretend to presume that we are all supposed to know what they mean. Well they can take that attitude and throw it in their Tossed Salad!
Snobs will be snobs, I guess.
I think the term “vanilla” when it comes to referencing people outside the kinky community came about more because kinky people didn’t want to feel abnormal or freakish because they were doing kinky things than as an attempt to insult anyone. Referring to someone else as “normal” implies that you aren’t normal, and a lot of kinky people have trouble accepting that the things they want in a sexual relationship fall outside societal norms.
I’m not asking anybody to call anything “normal”. Horrible word, that. I just want them to not think they’re more interesting than me because of what they do with their or other people’s genitals.
I can’t tell you how this article literally made my day. Someone who completely gets it! I couldn’t agree with you more on every level.
No, in no way am I “normal” or basic, or conventional, typical etc. But, in no ways am I someone who finds it necessary to label things as “vanilla” vs “non” or chocolate. It’s such a trend, slang type of word that really doesn’t mean anything unless you say it either online, as you noted, or in that almost typical condescending way (which your last commenter wrote, so lovely of her, him) Don’t ask but I met my boyfriend on TINDER and he’s poly. I never truly believed he was until well, I did. However, I am a very, very straight female who is definitely edgy in all ways, but i also know when to keep it classy.
But, some may think I swing both ways, once you know me you know, no way! So ok here goes..
My bf or whatever he is now tried to get me into it. It wasn’t as if I’ve never been in kinky relationships, done kinky things etc. But sex parties, ropes etc never did it for me. So, he brings me to this party, where he barely knows anyone IRL, but maybe he messed around with a few people, and have talked to bunch on his lame Kik site. (Ugh) so I meet this horribly unattractive girl who he had just made friends with. He certainly was not into her but she’s very into the site, and just into this. There is no way this girl is someone anyone would even think about looking at twice. Yes, that bad. Ok, full disclosure, I am very picky, very attractive, have a really nice body, and to be honest because I’m highly attractive, that’s who I attract. There is a whole philosophy to that, which many do not subscribe to. Unfortunately I have no issue stating I can be judgemental about physical appearances, yet I also am incredibly open minded and down to earth. When he told me he was poly he thought I’d find someone new the next day, but I’m not like that. I’m very real, I fell in love with him for him, despite all this. Ok, going back to my point. So eventually he wants me to get on Kik. This same girl actually asks what “thick” means, in regards to sexual parts or sex period. Seriously! she did not know. Then proceeds to say something about these people who are “so lame and vanilla”. I wanted to scream! It was laughable.
I tell my guy about this and how much I hate the word. He blows it off. Next thing I know, we’re in a fight and he’s telling his chat friends that he had to go to a thing with me and it’s vanilla (with a frown face emoji). I called him out only for him to lose it completely, claiming it’s a “lifestyle” term…when we all know it’s not just for that.
So, end of my story, and most ironic…I go to the what he thought would be “vanilla” party, which turns out to be so far from vanilla! Strippers, sex toys, poles…closing the doors off to the public, then shutting the doors for some really chocolate shit…I could go on. I hate this word as much, or worse as “blessed” or “winning”. You RULE dude!
Love this ^
This is where being asexual is extremely useful because all sex seems odd to me, whereas, sexual people generally think anything *they* don’t do to be freaky.
I do find sex very interesting, though. It’s always interesting when an entire group of people have so much of their self esteem wrapped up in something means nothing to you.
Though, to answer a question in your post, I have heard people use the word ‘vanilla’ to describe sex in a way that wasn’t condescending, but my friends and I talk about sex differently than most people.
Sex does take up a large percent of many brains. I can imagine it’s very peaceful to not have to think about it.
Agreed
Chocolate sex is grand but Im not crazy about the chunks.
As an American, I can say I hear this type of condescension. There are the liberated types that whisper how repressed and unenlightened “vanilla” is, while the uber Christians say anything other than “vanilla” is because we are so desensitized to sex and violence because television and a lack of God in our lives. There is so little middle ground or even an expectation of one. Regardless, the judgement and assumptions are annoying.
Indeed they are.
A friend of mine, Bill, is into really weird stuff. Sometimes he tells me about it and I’m like, ‘Jesus Bill, that’s pretty messed up. I don’t know how you can get off on that.’ He’s a pretty cool guy though.
I think I know the Bill you mean. He’s a fucking head-case.
I like both but im not into the costumes but i like bdsm and vanilla sex so im not looking down at you it feels dven better with my clit ring
I think I’m more offended at the implied slight against vanilla ice-cream – good creamy ice-cream with masses of real vanilla, of course, not the pallid tasteless crap that so often passes for vanilla these days. Sorry, what were we talking about again?
Yes! Real vanilla is excellent. Much better than that chocolate crap. Wait, now I sound like a racist…
from Harold McGee
‘The first Europeans to taste vanilla were the Spanish, who gave it its name; vainilla is the Spanish diminutive for “sheath” or “husk” (from the Latin vagina).
what is this type of suit called and what do i use to search to get one of my own?
lol so tru but smacked bum nevercgoes astray
I’m sorry many of you feel that the term ‘vanilla’ is an insult. Believe it or not many people in the kinky community feel the same about the term ‘freak’ (that they are being looked down upon) regardless of the context or that persons definition of the word. I’ve actually said it about MYSELF in front of a couple who promptly scolded me for it. Personally, I don’t care if what I do is referred to as freaky, perverted, chocolate, kinky, etc. To me it just means I know what I like and have had the good fortune of finding a partner with similar interests. But the fact is that the terms ‘vanilla’ and ‘chocolate’ mean different things to different people. To one person, blindfolds can be considered chocolate while the next could consider it vanilla. I’ve personally always considered ‘vanilla’ sex just to mean the kind of sex you can do with someone before you know their turn ons (for instance pulling someone’s hair, smacking their butt, going straight for the butthole, etc probably isn’t a good idea to do to someone during a one night stand). So if you have met someone who looks down on you for not doing what they consider ‘chocolate’ then I apologize for them, but please remember that its a two way street and what you say can also come off just as judgmental.
I rarely hear anyone use the word ‘vanilla’ to mean an insult. Usually it’s just a way to say ‘non-kinky’. There are gay people and straight people, right handed people and left handed people, kinky people and vanilla people. You can’t help what turns you on.
How can anyone have sex the same way over and over. It’s unimaginative and yes boring.
This is all news to me and have no idea what a rusty trombone is. Most people will never have eaten a real quality vanilla ice cream and compared to the usual type you may find it’s worlds apart. I agree with a lot of what’s been said, as long as everyone in the room is a consenting adult then that’s up to them. The only reason anybody should be interested in another’s sexual activity is A: you want to have sex with them or B: or participants are not consenting or adult in which case somebody should be very interested ie the police. All that aside is it only chocolate or vanilla that’s available for a sex euphemism is there room for Neopolitan or salted caramel and nuts. Ps I think I’ve worked out rusty trombone.
You sound mad because u have regular sex. I have vanilla sex and kinky sex, 8 get off by both , people that don’t have vanilla sex aren’t some mind boggling sex fenes who can’t bust a nut without their partner being dressed up a character lol. TRUST me honey we can cum by having vanilla sex too , it’s just more fun and interesting to actually be creative in bed and not do the same old boring shit that people who have vanilla sex do . I see u tried to twist it around as if people who are kinky have a problem or are the boring ones. You’re funny lol we snob our noses up at people like u because you’re dull and don’t want to try anything new. No there’s nothing wrong with being normal but there is something wrong with being closed minded and that’s usually what people that vanilla sex are. Judgemental , ignorant , and closed minded. People snub you because for so long our sex has been made fun of and we were called freaks and not in the good way. So excuse us for actually adding sprinkles to our ice cream 🙄✌🏾️While you take yours plain. Not just once and while but aaaall the time lol. The point of this is try a new flavor stop being basic. Being basic shouldn’t be upheld you should want to be more or stand out , but hey who am I to judge . 8′ just a stranger who enjoys both vanilla and chocolate good bye
Judgemental?! You, not at all…wow. Take a breath.
I’ve not read one comment that sounds as angry, defensive, condescending and yes, snobby in the worst way, as yours.
It’s unfortunate there is a deep lack of true intelligence in much of these communities. I am dating a poly man, and I am a straight woman. I am well aware of the entire BDSM lifestyle, and how some of it, especially poly can be a beautiful exploration of true all encapsulating love. For many that have found this, it can be wonderful, yet for some it is jut another sex trend, therefore people succumb, which is sad. Many who tend to explore this lifestyle had difficulty finding their true sexuality, or they were abused or immersed in a situation where they were involved in sex in ways they were not prepared for. Isues ofyen create this, as in anything in life. But, what you are doing here is creating another divide that shouldn’t exist. Almost identical to what is going on in this country.
It was a funny article, a man speaking his truth because he is a writer. He was not shaming anyone, simply he was aggravated by the term, as am I. But, you jumped the gun, clearly showing a lack of comfort which is questionable, as if you didn’t really understand the comedy in this article. When people like yourself write comments that are so outright defamatory, pointing blame at the other, it is clear you still struggle, yet at the same time feel the need to post something nasty. It all makes sense now.
paddyK has just chosen a provocative and contradictory editorial angle to attract traffic on his page…
He may have seen swingers but not participated. He may have seen bdsm but never really explored what it has to offer.
Yeah, paddyK, you sound vanilla in the worst judgmental-boring-closedminded definition of it.
Santé.
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Well thaks for this explaination. At 66 years and 6 children 15 grandchildren, I’m finding out there is a name for everthing that has ever been done sexually. Someone was talking to me (a doctor) about her husband likes chocolate but she is a vanilla person. I figured it must have something to do with sex being described in a covet way. Sure enough. I’ll have to go retract my statement now because I told her I prefer vanilla. Well it turns out if she’s talking sexually, I like some chocolate, …as well. Thanks for the Grammy enlightenment in a world where everything has a lable.
you seem like you’re just butthurt because you’re a boring person.
– Your trying to justify with logic for preference for vanilla instead of chocolate. Some would see that as being in a feed back loop. Stuck on stupid.
– Variety is the spice of life. You’ll never know your “kink”, unless you experiance it. And once you do, you’ll never let it go!
– Because you’ll find out it’s the real you. And not the one imposed on you by society.