Prometheus – Space Turd

What do you get when you put the most incompetent bunch of idiots ever assembled on a spaceship, and team them up with the most moronic and lazy scriptwriters money can buy? You get Prometheus, is what you get. The latest nail in the coffin of movie science fiction and intelligent cinema. And the latest reason to keep old men away from the good things they made in their youth. At all costs.

This film is a joke. It pretends to be “deep” and “philosophical” but just throws together random and badly thought-out space-movie tropes in any order. None of it makes sense, even in the logic-sparse world of big-screen science fiction.

Every single thing the characters do is unbelievable and stupid. They expose themselves to alien environments and substances at the drop of a hat. They show no curiosity about the things happening on their own ship. They all seem incredibly unsuited to their jobs. They are scared by pointless things, and completely not bothered by, oh, actual aliens.

Two crew members die in the alien structure, and nobody knows about it. Despite having a fucking massive high-tech console with every possible kind of feed. Apparently there’s no “record” function, and the guy on duty heads off for a quick shag. Nobody misses them until the next morning, and still they can’t figure out why they’re not saying anything.

Don’t even get me started on the alien structure’s very handy holographic projector, which replays only scenes that are extremely relevant to the plot, for no fucking apparent reason. Or the “archeologists” who’ve crossed thirty light-years for this mess and decide to take the first night off and hang out a bit. In their bedroom. Or the inane warbling about alien and human DNA being the same, while ignoring the fact that human DNA is similar to that of every creature on the Earth.

I can forgive a little hand-waving in movies, a little glossing-over of plot points for the greater good. But not in every single fucking scene. This movie was one long pointless chore. A chore made much worse in that I had to watch the fucking thing in 3D. And pay 50% more for my ticket for the fucking privilege.

Basically, I require the same from my science fiction movies as from other kinds — that they make sense. Why is this very basic demand so often disregarded? Do they assume we’ll come for the fucking flashy CGI and turn our brains completely off? Just because there’s spaceships and, oooh, aliens? Fuck you Hollywood, you lazy arrogant pricks.

I want to shove a spear up Ridley fucking Scott’s arse for treating me like a moron. That’s what he did with this movie. He charged me money for this dirge and sprayed diarrhea on a screen and said, “Look! It’s an alien, see?”

Don’t see this. It makes science fiction, the most intelligent and far-thinking of genres, into shit pudding. And please, somebody stop that bastard Scott from ruining Blade Runner in the same way by doing a prequel or a fucking remake or whatever the fuck he might be planning. For all that’s good and fine, please stop him. With a crowbar if necessary.

/ paddy

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That Friday Song

The web has been in a frenzy the last couple of weeks over a song from a wee girlie. Rebecca Black (aged 13 3/4) sings some other people’s song and gets engulfed in an amazing tsunami of rage and ire. It’s a bit hard to understand why. She didn’t bomb another person’s country, she just let some guys record her singing a tune. Sure, the song is shite, and auto-tuned to hell and back, but it’s catchy and not as shite as a few other songs I could name. She could have skipped the rap in the middle, though…

Now it’s easy to go online and say things like “U sukc” or “omg i hat u” and so on. And about a billion people did, helping to remind a 13 year old girl just how crap she is. (And on a side note, you would think that today’s kids would have better spelling, since they essentially live in a word-based medium, with spell-checkers on everything?)

But you know what’s best about this whole thing? Not the negative stuff, but the positive stuff. What people actually did with that half-assed song – used it to create some great things.

Like this one, made by slowing the thing down by 5 times and making it sound like something edgy from 1990s Iceland.

There was this one, where the whole thing was, shall we say, given a bit more oomph.

And this one, where the rather brilliant Matt Mulholland makes it sound like a real song, an amazing achievement it must be said. Go Matt!

And finally, here is the best version I have found. It’s a bit edgy, and was removed from YouTube pretty fast. But I managed to salvage it from my cache and pop it up somewhere for you to enjoy. So, yeah, enjoy, while you can, and forgive me if it’s a bit… too much.

So there you go. And just to remind you all, today it is Thursday, yeah? Which means tomorrow is… well, I’m sure you can work it out. Or maybe I’ll sing it for you.

/ paddy