Not An iPhone

“…and then the monthly charge gets divided by pi, and you then add 200 more, 150 of which you can use towards next month’s calls, and 50 of which goes into the accumulated cost multiplier which, naturally, is added to your initial, up-front, start-end cost, but subtracted if you pay cash, which of course you don’t…”

I nodded at the boy in the Phone House, thinking “gee, that’s nice hair, I wonder where he gets it done.”

I’m not very good with the whole “you give my that much, and I’ll give that to him and then you’ll owe me that, right?” You’d think I would be, having studied maths and physics at a high level, but no. As soon as, for example, clerks start explaining the arcane art of buying a new mobile, my eyes glaze over and drool collects in the corner of my mouth and the only noise I can make is “wa”.

I am getting a new phone, you see. After a few gentle nudges, plus starting a new job where everybody has snazzy mobiles, helped on by the realisation that I should probably stop getting lost so much, I have decided to go the whole hog and get a Samsung Galaxy smart-phone.

Why not an iPhone, I hear you squeal? Do you really need to ask me that? Well, do you? No, it shall be this baby. It’s big, it’s shiny, it’s touchy-feely, and it’s Android. Plus it doesn’t look/act/feel/cost like an iPhone at all, in any way.

And hey, maybe if I tag Tele2/Comviq in this post, I’ll get that dude again who scans blogs and performs Tele2 damage control to leave a comment. Oh go on sir, leave a comment, you know you want to.

/ paddy (soon smarter than your average phone)

Phone-selling Fuckwits

People with a pointlessly good memory may recall me complaining about my mobile phone a while back.

Here’s what happened. I decided, since my mobile bill was usually in the range of 700 Swedish crowns per month, to get a fixed price account. I was convinced by the minion in the shop that I should settle for paying 650:- per month, 150 of that going to pay off the amazing sexy slidy phone I was presented with. This 650 would cover everything, I was assured.

But I shortly encountered problem one – the phone proved to be a lump of shit. It had to be sold for a fistful of magic beans and I had to keep paying it off for the remainder of the 18 months. I bought another phone, a Nokia, but could not forget the wayward son who had to be supported in his new life in some thug’s pocket.

Problem two followed soon after. 650, it turned out, was not in any way a “maximum”. Not included were sending texts abroad, calling abroad and internet access. With these things added, my super max price account was costing me about 850:- per month, including the charge for the phone I had already sold.

Every month my mobile operator would call me and ask me if things were going okay. I would angrily explain that, no, they weren’t, and tell them the whole story. They would listen, tell me they couldn’t do a damned thing to help, and go away. And the next month, they would call back and ask the same question again.

The problem was that the account I had was completely unsuited to how I use a mobile. I had 3000 free minutes to talk for in a month. How many did I use? 50. In a month. I did, on the other hand, send about 200 text messages, many of them abroad. Well done Tele2 for actually checking how I used my mobile before locking me into an account.

And at last–at last!–the 18 months of purgatory were up and I fixed a really cheap and efficient account with unlimited SMS and internet access and low call rates. How low, you may ask? Well here are my last 4 bills:

2010-04-05   184,00
2010-03-08   717,00
2010-02-05   1059,00
2010-01-05   759,00

You see it, don’t you? So I have paid, over 18 months, about 18*600 = about 10000 Swedish crowns too much for mobile phone services. So thanks a fucking lot Phone House, you useless cheating cunts.

And another big “fuck you”, as always, to Tele2 Comviq, the undisputed heavyweight bastards of mobile providers. I hope they spent my 10,000 crowns on something nice. Like heroin.

/ paddy