Too Much News

Today I made the classic mistake of watching the news at breakfast. Bad idea. I am not normally know for my pleasant demeanour in the mornings, and watching that carnival of inanity pushes me way over the edge into proper “grumpy old man” territory.

Article one that lit my fuse was a collection of total fucking morons in Belgrade who turned out in their Soviet-era sweats to protest the fact that other people had the nerve to exist. In this case, they were showing their displeasure against the upcoming Pride parade. And, as homophobes always do, the people interviewed went on about “traditional values” and “family values” and “religious values” and other such steaming horse shit to justify their actions.

I mean, when will these people grow a pair and actually say what they are thinking instead of just hiding behind religion and tradition? Fucking tossers. I would have much more respect for them if they turned out with signs simply saying “I Hate Homos”. Fucking cowards and fucking idiots all in one, with their tiny piggy eyes and their big penile compensation signs. It almost makes me glad that there is no heaven as, if there were, I might have to share it with gobshites like that.

Article two that inflamed my wrath is this one. A divorced man in Sweden takes his two kids and hoofs it. The article tells us there is a risk he might take the kids illegally back to his own country and then asks for our help in looking out for them. Whereupon the “journalists” tell us what kind of dress the little girl is wearing and then stop talking. They completely don’t tell us what the guy looks like, surely the most important piece of data here. They have pretty much told us he is not a white Swede, but then don’t dare to tell us his actual appearance.

This, I imagine, comes from the classic Swedish fear of being portrayed a racist. But in this case, I just don’t get it. Just what is wrong with saying “It’s a Middle-Eastern dude” or “It’s a Kenyan dude” or “It’s a white dude from South Africa” or whatever. Don’t they want the kids to be found? And, if so, shouldn’t they actually just give us the info and let us make our own minds up?

Seriously, saying that the dude is from country X and looks like Y is not racism. If the press really cared about those kids being found, and not just about looking PC, then they would tell us. But I guess they don’t. It’s just news, something to fill the seconds with.

I could go on, oh yes I could, on and on and on. But I won’t. There’s a nice day ahead full of things that won’t annoy me, so I’ll think about them instead. And I’ll have my trusty TV-B-Gone at the ready, just in case a TV tries to sneak up on me when I least expect it.

/ paddy

Doing it Wrong

I am never sure if I should be pleased or annoyed when other people spot the same things that I spot. Like, for example, those “doing it wrong” clips on TV shopping ads.

You know the ones I mean. Let’s say they are trying to sell you a new chopping knife and, as an indication of how your life will improve, they show you a hand-cam, black and white clip of some complete fucking moron who can’t do any basic task without getting everything on the floor, up her nose and in her underwear.

These clips usually end with the stressed sweaty women blowing a sprig of hair from her face with a wistful expression. If only life could be better, she thinks. If only I weren’t such an enormous waste of space. If only I had a special salad-chopping machine or a tiny vacuum cleaner or a grill endorsed by a boxer.

These clips are enthralling. They show people who are so utterly hopeless that they should never be allowed to leave their own bedrooms, and then only if their bedrooms have no sharp edges or heavy objects.

And now some genius has made a wonderful compilation of the best ones. So here we have it, the “doing it wrong” compilation. And let me just warn you – the pace is frenetic, the cutting is relentless and the idiocy is completely off the scale.

Makes you want to buy just about everything ever made, doesn’t it? And if you buy it all RIGHT NOW, we will give you a free planet to put it on. So call now, lines are open until the end of time.

/ paddy

Earth Hour Suspended

I skipped out on “Earth Hour” last night. And I’ll tell you why.

The problem is that it doesn’t do anything. It’s like most knee-jerk guilty “green” things – GMO hysteria, recycling, non-shopping day, organic food – in that it is a way for guilt-makers to show us how morally superior they are but, on close scientific inspection, does little if nothing of any use.

Turning off the lights for one hour? And using candles instead? Wonderful – replace our highly efficient modern lighting with combustion, a real plus in terms of CO2 and particle emissions, not to mention that the majority of modern candles are made from paraffin, a product of the oil industry. So you will be replacing electricity that may have come from sustainable source with a fossil fuel. Brilliant. Slow clap for you.

Can’t the vocal green preachers get one simple fact into their heads—you cannot bring about real change by making people feel bad and guilty about their behaviour. That only works for a while, and there will always be a backlash. A change will only work if it roughly follows human nature. And humans, by and large, don’t like the dark. Humans DO however like to consume and save money, so why the fuck can’t we just have “Buy LED lights” day instead? That would make a much bigger difference, and on EVERY day.

And to say that this “send a message to our leaders”? No it doesn’t – does anybody really believe that? Like our “leaders” care about pointless actions like this. Big laugh.

And if we’re turning off anything, I would start with TVs. Fucking irritating noise-box full of morons and their jolly japes, or block-headed “sporting events” of no consequence whatsoever, or news programmes telling us how worried and nervous we should be. Get rid of the fucker—just throw it out!

We already, in fact, have a TV-turn-off day (okay, so it’s a week) but does the media pay attention to it? Of course they fucking don’t. The media only like things that show how caring and important they are. Like this global backslapping of Earth Hour. I’m sure the Co2, if any, saved by this was more than made up for by news teams farting around the planet to film it all and feeling smug about their efforts.

But then again a billion people turning off their TVs would not make good TV. Would it?

Don’t get me wrong, I love darkness. I love it when the incessant noise of electronic crap is stilled, and we can see the stars and each other. A few months back we had a power cut in my area for about 4 hours, and I was never happier. Life is simply too bright, too loud, too garish, too fucking WAAAAH! for my tastes.

So turn it off please, by all means—your TV, your computer, your stereo. Even your fridge, which most of us barely use at all. But not light! Keep your lights on and use them to read a fucking book or build something from Lego or play a real game that isn’t made of pixels or draw up plans to destroy our global moronic media infestation.

Here’s to Brain Turn-on Day, hopefully coming your way soon.

/ paddy